its not all about the bad times (joshs big adventure)

most of these posts that i have written have been about fairly negative aspects of dealing with depression. self harm, suicide, anger etc are all things that i have experienced in the past and present. 

ive also mentioned the difficulty that i have with enjoying myself, and allowing myself to not feel guilty about enjoying things. its a bitch and is something which is very difficult to get past.

ive also mentioned a few months back about a trip i was planning which involved me travelling alone to london, spending the day there then coming home on my own.

well, i managed it. i spent so much time during the run up to the winter london film and comic con researching where i was going, how i was going to get there, what was at the event and so on. 

the main reason for me going was to prove to myself that i CAN do things that scare me;

1: travelling alone.

i'll be honest. the idea of travelling alone to new places scares the shit out of me. in the past i managed to go from peterborough to lancaster (to visit my sister and her family on my own) which was terrifying, that was about 3 years ago now (i think). going from peterborough to the olympia grand all in london required using both the above and underground rail systems. 

a huge fear of mine when travelling is that i'll get on the wrong train and only realise when i found myself in the arse end of nowhere. fortunately planning beforehand really helped and i knew exactly which stations to get on/off at, and finding the right trains was relatively easy since i managed to..

2: talk to new people.

i had to do this several times during my adventure. i had to ask a few train station worker type people which trains to get on, which was a lot easier than i thought it would be. 

i also had to speak to people who i was buying things from at the event; tickets to talks/photo opportunities, people selling books, figures, props etc and other punters who were attending the event. i found that once i'd spoken to one or two people then talking to others because fairly easy. i asked lots of people if i could take photos of them, since they were dressed up as various characters from tv shows, films, books and videogames. (some of the people i spoke to were really rather purdy ladygirlwomen, so a bonus is that i managed to talk to WOMEN i dont know as well!)

i also met some people who i had talked to on the facebook page for the event. all were really nice to me, and even nicer (if a bit weird) in person. 

i even got to meet a few celebrity guests. i spoke to natasha henstridge (from the film species and loads of other shows and films) who was lovely. i also got to meet jon bernthal (who was in one of my favorite shows; the walking dead) and got a photo with him. an added bonus was that i also met michael pena (star of films such as shooter and end of watch) and managed to ask him for an autograph too, even though he wasnt an official guest. 

it was also easier to talk to people at an event like this. all the people attending were there for the same reason as me: to meet people from tv shows etc that they like. the common ground gave me something to talk about with other people, which made actually getting into conversations a LOT easier. i even managed to ask a question during a talk with jon bernthal, which involved me speaking into a microphone. the guy carrying the mic said i should stand up, but i wasnt brave enough to do that.

jon bernthal and me

(im the tubby one on the left)

3. crowds

there were a LOT of people i managed to cope ok without freaking too much. i did have couple of moments where things got a bit much, but i managed to find a place to escape to and give myself a break from the crowds. when i felt ready i went back in to wander around and look at stuff (and spend far too much money)

anyway, long story short, i managed to do things i wasnt comfortable with: travelling alone, meeting new people and dealing with crowds. ALL ON MY OWN! it may not seem like much, but managing to do those 3 thing is HUGE for me. hopefully this will be the start of a gradual improvement with my mental state.

if you are struggling with similar things to what ive mentioned here force yourself to do something about it. MAKE SURE that there is something in it for you as well; a reward for confronting your fears. for me, the event was perfect since it meant that if i did go through with travelling alone etc then i got to buy myself stuff and meet people from tv shows and movies that i REALLY like. if you make an effort and try to do something to better yourself make sure you reward yourself for doing it, even if its just a small reward like having a bar of chocolate.

i'll be honest. when i woke up on the saturday morning i was going to the event i was shitting myself about the travel. but i managed to force myself to do it and i ended up really enjoying myself! whats even better is i didnt feel guilty about it. 

it was a day i had planned for and a day i had been looking forward to. because i had prepared myself for the event i was able to cope better and didnt feel as guilty about having a good day as i usually do.

for the first time in a VERY long time i actually felt proud of myself for doing something. 

on an added note i also found that during the months before the event i found having something to look forward to REALLY useful. if i was having a shitty day i could at least say to myself "at least you're going to the comic con soon"

having that point to work towards really helped me and i will be attending a similar event in november. more travelling on my own. more new people and a new location. 

lets hope i can handle that one even better. watch this space...

The S Word.

The following post contains my opinions and experiences regarding depression related suicide. if you are uncomfortable with the topic please do not read any further than here.

____________________________

(im not going to delve into euthanasia or assisted suicide. i dont feel as though i have the experience needed with those topics to write up about them. im going to stick with suicide and its links to depression.)

"suicide- the act of killing yourself intentionally"

i know a lot of people must look at those who have attempted or committed suicide and wonder what the fuck is going through a person's head that they want to end their own life. how can someone want to cease to live when mankind's primal instinct is to survive. what the hell can cause someone to become so intent on ending their own life that they jump off a bridge or slit their wrists?  what would possess a person to put the barrel of a loaded gun in their mouth and pull the trigger, or overdose on prescription medication?

depression is the prelude to 'topping yourself'. depression affects everyone differently; some people are strong and can fight through their issues. some cant, and really struggle, however they keep on going and try to improve.

some cant cope. some think that the only way to stop all the emotional and psychological pain they are going through. the only way to make it stop is to stop everything. 

i want to try and explain some of my views about suicide but first i need to expand on 2 events in my life, so here we go:

1. a close friend of mine tried to end things a few years ago. i was talking to them over msn messenger at the time. they'd been having a really rough time of things- college, relationships, work etc. it got too much and they ended up taking a load of prescription medication. 

i have no idea why they told me they'd done it. we are much closer now than we were back then, so it was strange that they would tell me. fortunately, they told a member of their family about what they'd done. off to the hospital for a stomach pump... not nice.

as a third party looking on at what had just happened i realised that i had never been more scared in my life. this person had just tried to snuff themselves out of existence while talking to me. this was a friend. someone who i knew had their problems (anyone who says they dont have any problems at all is a liar or a VERY lucky bastard) but they'd felt it had become too much and wanted to end things. they've been up and down ever since, but they are still here.

2. and this is something about me that VERY few people know.

ive wanted to end things on more than one occasion, and have been incredibly close to going through with it. you feel like nothing you or anyone else can say or do will make things better, and the only way to make everything stop hurting is to stop living. 

i can remember it so well. i was sat there, note on the bed next to me saying goodbye, blade in my left hand, resting on my right wrist, just waiting to apply that downward pressure. then all i had to do was drag the blade down and across. it was that simple. i couldnt do it. almost everything inside me was screaming "JUST FUCKING DO IT!" but somewhere there was something wanting me not to. i remember lifting the blade from my wrist and i ended up slashing my arm up some more, then throwing the blade across my room. all the while tears streaming down my face, snotty nosed and in a royally messed up state. 

ive thought a lot about that moment when i lifted the blade away from my wrist. at first i thought i was a coward; a fucking pussy who wasnt even brave enough to do something as easy as off himself. the thought that i'd failed at getting rid of myself made the few days after that some of the lowest of my life.

as ive moved along and grown to understand whats wrong with me better i actually found that i was really angry at myself for even contemplating suicide. ever since i was in school i was always the one who looked after others. if i slashed my wrists and bled out then who would take care of those people i care about? who would take care of my friend who had tried to commit suicide before i did? sure, there may be people looking after them, but i dont know if thats true, do i?!

some people might be upset if i wasnt around, right? surely my parents would be. i dont want to upset them. the fact is, even though i felt all alone, i did have people who cared (and still care) about me now. i didnt want to let those people down by not being around any more. i promised myself that i wasnt ever going to try that shit again.

i dont regret my experiences with self harm. those scars and experiences are part of who i am and while they werent the right thing to do i dont regret doing them.

looking back on my contemplation of suicide i find that i really hate that i was that low and was that close to doing it. one of the very few things i genuinely like about myself is that i consider myself to be a decent friend. what kind of friend would i have been if i'd been selfish enough to cause those i care about to lose a friend or family member by slashing my wrists and bleeding to death?

i think it takes an insane amount of bravery to actually go through with attempting suicide. you have to be certain that its what you want. the strange thing is that i wonder that if those who had tried to kill themselves saw that they had that bravery would they have still have attempted it? how many have taken pills, slashed their wrists, jumped off a bridge or cliff or whatever and as soon as they've started they immediately regret their decision?

if you are reading this and have been thinking about ending things please think about the people who care about you beforehand. as someone who has been both a 3rd party to someone attempting to kill themselves and someone who has been low enough to be sat with a blade on his wrist just urging himself to do it please listen to me now;

things arent as bad as they seem. you have people who care about you and who love you. their lives will be lacking so much if you werent in them. 

you may not believe it, but you are cared for and valued, and no matter how bad you feel please, PLEASE dont take things that far. 

ive said it at the end of previous posts and im going to say it here as well.

you are not alone in this.

http://www.papyrus-uk.org/

 

Guilt.

one of the big problems ive had during my time dealing with depression is that i feel guilty about a lot of things. im going to try and explain the 4 main "guilt trips" i have in this post. obviously there are plenty of other ones, but these are the 'big 4'

1. i feel guilty that ive caused friends and family to worry about me. 

if you're ill, be it physically or psychologically then chances are there will be someone who is worried about you. friends and family do that kind of thing. the problem with me was that i didnt want people to worry about me. i knew that friends and famiy have all got their own stuff to deal with, and i didnt want them to spend their time trying to sort me out when they had their own lives to get on with. 

2. i feel guilty because i constantly think that i dump my problems on others.

i HATED it when i did this. the people who i talked to about my problems have their own lives to live. they didnt need to spend their spare time listening to me warble on about my emotional state. i know they didnt mind talking to me, but i felt like a HUGE burden on them. friends take care of each other, but that should go both ways. it shouldnt just be me pouring my heart out to them because i got so upset and angry about not being able to do something on my skateboard or whatever. 

every time i ended up opening up to one of my friends i'd end up apologising SO much for talking to them, and no matter how many times they said "its alright" i still felt guilty. i used to be able to handle this shit on my own, now i was just falling apart and relying on others to keep me in one piece. i didnt want to be a burden on them, and i felt like i was just dead weight dragging them down. 

3. i feel guilty because im taking up the time of people who could be helping others with more serious problems. 

doctors, counselling service people, friends. all of them could (and in my mind SHOULD) be doing other things instead of trying to help me. there are people in much worse positions; physically, emotionally, financially and so on who could use their support so much more than me. why should a doctor be trying to help my fucked up mental state when they could be helping little penny jenkins and her poorly tummy? or mr cooper and his arthritis? they are much more important than me.

4. i feel guilty when i've had a good day. 

this is one i feel ALL the time. im depressed, that means im not allowed to have a good day, right? 

that label of being depressed is a huge barrier in my mind. i have a great day, but when its ending and im about to go to bed i end up feeling really bad because im meant to be depressed. its a horrible feeling. everyone tells you its ok to have good days, but because you've been given that label you feel terrible because you feel like you're wasting everyone's time. surely if he's depressed he should be moping around all the time and not having good days. 

its a fucked up mindset to have, and its very hard to change. i know im allowed to have good days, (enjoy the little things, right?!) but there is always that label looming over your head which makes you feel guilty afterwards. 

stupid, isnt it.

guilt is a bitch. i have found it incredibly difficult to not feel it in some way while ive been dealing with depression. its not rational. you know that you shouldnt feel guilty about those things, but you do.

people care about me; they'll worry sometimes.  friends help and care for each other. doctors are there to help EVERYONE, not just some people. i AM allowed to have a good day. 

all really easy to say. all very difficult to believe when your brain is having a 'fuck you' day.

Battling with your pride

one thing that really got to me as i gradually got worse in the first year or so of my depression was the fact that i couldnt do things myself any more. ive mentioned before (several times) that if you are suffering from depression you arent alone, and that there are plenty of people out there who can help you, however, what i havent mentioned is that when i finally admitted openly that i was really struggling and needed help my pride was torn apart.

ive never really been one to ask for help with things, especially if it was everyday stuff that i used to do all the time. i spent a LOT of time trying to handle my problems on my own. i tried to deal with them without other people knowing i was having problems. realising that i couldnt keep fighting on my own was a huge emotional blow. everything between not being able to go to a shop on my all the way through to and keeping a hold of my emotions became an incredible challenge for me, and it was one i could not do solo. 

the fact that i could no longer do things which i knew i could do and which i knew i was good at (the hiding the emotions and problems) and it hit me hard. not only was i struggling with the existing mental health issues, i then had to deal with that added weight of knowing i wasnt good enough, strong enough or stable enough to handle things on my own any more. 

pride may be good in some aspects of life, but it is more of a hindrance with regards to improving your mental health. it became a vicious circle: feeling crappy, try to do something you usually do to take your mind off of things, cant do it, get stressed and annoyed because you cant do it. someone helps with it, but then you feel crappy again because you cant do something you used to do all the time.  

pride and stubbornness seem to go hand in hand. you dont want people to see you as weak, so you keep trying something. if it doesnt work you get more and more pissed off and upset that you cant do it, but you feel even worse because other people know you cant do it.

its a bastard. a total bastard, and all it does is make you feel useless. 

fortunately for me, my view of that stuff has changed a bit.

its very rare that people learn something entirely on their own. there will ALWAYS be some kind of third party influence; be it a teacher when you were in school, a parent, a friend, something you've seen on tv or on the computer and so on.

at first you needed a bit of help getting to grips with things, and the simple fact is that sometimes, even if we're really good at something it can still be useful and helpful to have someone else along to give us a hand with whatever we're doing. 

i spent 3 years at college studying furniture making, and one of the things i learnt when using large woodworking machines was that sure, you could do the job on your own, but having someone else with you can make it a bit easier and quicker to do. one person puts a length of wood in one end of the machine, one takes it out. 

pride is a total arse biscuit and in my experience it is actually a handicap when it comes to dealing with emotional problems. sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and admit that while you may have been able to handle things on your own, now you need a bit of support along the way.

its not easy to do by any means, but if you can get past your own pride and allow people to help you instead of being a stubborn fool (like i was and still am sometimes) then you've taken a big step to gradually getting better.

"no-one cared who i was until i put on the mask"

(you bet your arse thats a Bane reference!)

i'll be honest, part of the reason the idea for this post popped into my head is because since im an incredibly cool, hip and trendy individual i've ended up owning a horse mask. (random fact. its REALLY hard to play COD while wearing a horse mask. you cant see SHIT!)

one of the phrases that ive heard used a lot when it comes to depression is "putting a brave face on things". some people are incredibly good at doing that. 

when my depression first started i didnt want anyone to know about it. i thought it was a sign of weakness. a sign that i wasnt strong enough to be who i am. a sign that i wasnt strong enough to be able to handle situations and events in my life.

the first thing i did was put up what i guess you could call "emotional barriers" to stop people realising that my brain was pretty much screwed. 

the first of those barriers is what this post is about. its often the simplest thing to do, even if it is actually REALLY difficult to pull off for a long time.

putting a brave face on. 

its pretty much like wearing a mask. inside you may be angry, upset, sad, annoyed, depressed, pissed off or whatever, but you have a happy face on, covering everything else underneath.

at first, its really easy to wear the happy mask. everyone thinks you're just that happy feller. what they dont see is the real you underneath. you're hiding it. and you're doing a bloody good job hiding it as well! hell yeah! gold star sticker for me for hiding my emotions! WOOOOO! 

gradually though, that mask gets more and more uncomfortable. it begins to shrink, and soon enough you cant hide behind it. soon that happy face is stretched so thinly over all the pent up anger, aggression, frustration, sadness, loneliness and rage that you cant do it any more. you cant keep a brave face on things. you cant cover things up. 

a brave face can only last so long before it shatters, and if you arent able to control the things building up behind the mask then when it does finally break you're pretty much fucked.

the key is finding a way to release those emotions and feelings that you are hiding behind the brave face. 

ive mentioned the coke bottle analogy before, (if you drop a bottle of coke on the floor you can either open it slowly, carefully and gradually, controlling the release of the pressure within the bottle, or you can stab holes in the bottle with a pointy stick, which gets rid of the pressure, but you end up with half your drink missing, a buggered bottle and the shirt you're wearing covered in coke) and this is another one of those instances where you need to learn how to release that emotional pressure slowly and gradually, otherwise you end up in a right mess. 

i know ive said this before on a few of my posts, but if you are struggling to cope with things then please try and find some help, whether its talking to a friend, going to the doctors or calling a helpline.

its impossible to hide behind a happy face forever. all it does is make you feel worse when that mask finally does end up breaking, especially if you thought you were good at hiding your emotions (which i thought i was). it wounds your pride to have to admit you need help  but its worth doing. (i may do a post on "pride" at a later date)

Friends, Family and My Broken Brain

this is one of those topics, much like the self harm posts, which have caused me to have to sit back and really think hard about what im going to write. this should be interesting....

ive mentioned before about how lucky i am to have a group of friends and family around me while ive been dealing with depression. im positive that without those people, especially one or two in particular i would be dead right now. 

looking back to the worst times i have often wondered what those people thought about my actions, words or decisions i had made. at that point in time how i didnt think about any of that. i didnt think about things i said and did affected those around me, and how those actions may have had a significant impact on how that person/those people saw me as an individual.

during the early stages of my depression, before everything finally came out in the open and i saw the doctor about it i confided only in 2 people. every time i spoke to them things were negative, bleak and to put it bluntly, fucking depressing. they tried so hard to cheer me up and take my mind off things. they were constantly doing it. every day, for at least a couple of hours each evening they'd talk to me via facebook, but nothing seemed to work. 

they put so much effort into trying to help me (and still do) but seeing none of it paying off must have sucked BIG time for them. actually, i KNOW that it sucks trying to help someone but nothing seems to work. it makes you feel pretty useless. the frustration about now being able to make things better must have sucked so much. 

looking back, i HATE that i put them through that. i dont know if they did feel that way, but i know i have felt like that when ive not been able to help someone i care about.

another thing that i think a lot of the people close to me found difficult was the fact that my mood and state of mind can vary greatly from day to day.

hell, even during one day my mood can go from elation to 'im just going to go hide in a hole somewhere' faster than Usain Bolt can run after 7 cans of red bull. little things, insignificant, almost non-existent, pointless things could cause me to flip moods. even the thing which made me laugh one day could make me feel like shit the day after. i think that those around me would have found it very difficult to have 'normal' conversations with me, especially when they didnt know what could set me off. everything ended up being a risk for those people. do we ask him about this? do we tell him about that? shall we see if he wants to go there? etc. all of them such silly, insignificant things that could set me off. it was a very wobbly tightrope for anyone who had any form of interaction with me, especially if that interaction was something important or personal to me or the other person involved in the interaction. 

another thing that suffered was how new people viewed me. im shockingly shite at social interaction. especially with people i dont know. 

before everything went tits up inside my brain i at least used to try and talk to people (although im no good with talking to women. women are scary!) my depression caused me to become very introverted. early on was the worst time though. i didnt speak to new people. no eye contact, no self confidence. my physical appearance wasnt good. it cant be a good first impression, can it? do they see me how my close friends and family see me; as someone who is a decent person but who is having problems at the moment, or do they see me as some rude, scruffy weirdo who wont look at you or speak to you, even if you speak to him first? 

it was even worse if a new person tried to speak to me if i was in a bad mood. i'll be honest; when im in a bad mood im a rather large twatface. im not pleasant to be around. if someone, say a person at a skatepark, asked me something on a good day then i'd be fine. i could help them out with whatever it was they wanted. if they asked me on a bad day then the reply was not as nice. nope, definitely not nice at all. again, people who knew me well could tell when to interact with me and when to just leave me alone.

while im nowhere near back to normal i do know that i have changed a lot, and the way people see me has changed too. i wear my emotions on my sleeve now, whereas before i used to keep everything hidden inside. i have become really open when talking about my depression and experiences with self harm. (shit, would i really be writing a blog if i wasnt?) i dont know how i ended up being so open about it, it just happened. 

the weird thing is, ive actually had people say im "brave" for writing these things. while i appreciate the compliment i must say that im not brave at all. im just a normal(ish) guy dealing with something that affects 1 in 5 people. i started writing this blog a way for people to maybe get a slightly better understanding of what goes on in the mind of a depression sufferer. im not trying to be brave or macho or trying to become mr jimmy bigbollocks. im just trying to be me. 

depression fucked me up. 

im trying to get things back together and get my life back on track, however i cant do that alone. i need those people who support me and look after me. without them i am royally fucked. 

im truly sorry to those who i may have upset or made feel bad. to the 2 people who i talked about earlier in this post; i love you both very much. i wouldnt be here without you to, so thank you. C and A, you are both brilliant. 

does this depression make me look fat?

one thing that i'd never picked up on before i'd experienced depression first hand is the physical effect it has on the person who is suffering from it. the knock on effects from the negative, introverted and imbalanced mind have a HUGE impact on the physicality of the sufferer. 

what i've found with my depression is that there is a HUGE lack of motivation to do anything, especially physical things. ive mentioned before on this blog that i like to skateboard. there have been periods during the past few years where the lack of motivation has caused me not to skate for long periods. 4 months is a long time without doing something you love to do is a LONG time. 

i used to be really into sport. during school i pretty much had a go at anything; football, rugby, tennis, squash, hockey, basketball, athletics etc. while that declined a fair bit during college i was still relatively active. when my depression decided to twat me in the face with the great stick of "FUCK YOU!" i stopped doing so many physical things. 

as a result of that i gained weight. 

a lot of weight.

going from around 11-12 stone to over 15 stone is not fun

now im 6ft 4, and i usually wear relatively baggy clothes, so i dont actually look fat until i take my top off, at which point i look like a pillow case filled with cake. (hence why i NEVER take my shirt off, even if its ridiculously hot)

im actually more self conscious about people noticing my weight than people noticing the scars on my arm. i can feel that im REALLY close to being able to have my arms out in public (i want to show off my walking dead tattoo if im honest) 

the other thing is that due to putting on weight and not being active enough i am ridiculously out of shape! 

ive been trying to have a kickabout with a mate more often and even that knackers me out. im shattered afterwards! same with the skateboarding. loss of stamina is a bitch, especially when you're doing something you used to be able to do for 6 or 7 hours straight

i do want to get back in shape and lose some of this weight, but again, motivation is pretty low at the moment. its a vicious circle: "urgh, i hate how i look, i better exercise" "im having a rough day. i really cant be fucked to exercise right now" "urgh, ive done nothing. ive put on so much weight!" etc.

on top of the weight etc is the simple matter of personal hygiene. sometimes things are just too much and even doing simple things like having a shower, brushing your teeth and so on just take so much effort. effort which you dont have! give it a few days with that mental state and you end up looking like something that has been fired through a large pile of discarded big macs: greasy, smelly and gross. 

not nice. 

fortunately, it takes a lot less effort to have a shower and a shave than it does to get in shape, so at least i can say im clean and smell nice, even if i am overweight! 

i felt like this topic should have a dedicated post as i feel that not a lot of people realise how much of a physical effect depression can have on someone. 

we all know someone who is very self conscious about how they look; be it a kid trying to fit in, a girl with self esteem issues or a guy who gets upset when people comment about their weight. now imagine that with the added effect of mental health issues. its not fun for that person, and they could use a boost; even if its just something as simple as saying "that shirt looks good on you."

Relationships: why is it easier to talk to some people than others?

i really could sum this one up with 3 words:

relationships. fucking hell. 


i'll try and write a bit more than just that though.

life is nothing without relationships of some kind or another. relationships with family and friends. romantic relationships. patient/doctor relationships. those complicated little buggers are EVERYWHERE!

Depression has definitely had an impact on the state of existing relationships and the chances of me building new ones as well. 

in general, my ability to communicate with new people took a downward turn when my depression took hold. it was (and is) SO difficult to strike up conversation with someone i dont know. even more so if there is no common ground to talk about.

common ground is the catalyst to any relationship in my opinion. something you and the other person can both talk about. for example, during my depression its been a LOT easier for me to talk to someone new who was on a board at a skatepark. that person and i both skate. that common ground is the basis for striking up a conversation with that person, and possibly turning that person from someone with common ground into a friend. that friendship, and the relationship i have with that person may stop at the fact we share common ground with skateboard, or it may evolve and become a better friendship over time. 

the relationships i have with my close friends; the ones who i talk to about my problems are totally different to the ones i mentioned above. my outlook on people changed a lot during the first year of my depression. it went from "yeah, everyone's alright unless they prove me otherwise" to "everyone is a wanker UNTIL they prove me otherwise!" fortunately those people closest to me (you know who you are) i have known since before my problems began, and while (as in any relationship) there will be rough times they have never let me down, and (i hope) i have never let them down. they look after me. i try and look after them. thats how it works. they have proven over and over that they are NOT wankers. they are the best people i know and i love them to bits.
i find those close friends easier to talk to than my family. sounds weird, but its true. a lot of the time i talk to my friends via the internet. i have time to think about what im going to say when im typing it. i can read things before ive said it and i can delete things before ive said them. the internet is a bit of a safety barrier, which i think is why i find it easier to talk to my friends. 

talking to family is much more difficult. as i live with my parents i see them all the time. personally i find it a LOT harder to talk in person to someone about my problems than talk via facebook or whatever. it scares me that there is no control or safety net to restrict what i say or do. i may try and say one thing, but it sounds like im saying another. its very difficult. 

my relationship with my family is good. but talking to them is something ive never been able to do very well. it takes a LOT of effort and courage for me to say something. even something as insignificant as "i need to go to the dentists" scares me when talking to them. that feeling of no safety net definitely throws me off a bit. that feeling that they may judge me for what i say or do isnt nice either. i know they probably wont do that, but its still a difficult thing to face- the overthinking doesnt help either.

of course, there the 'other' kind of relationship. the kind that isnt "just friends". the romantic relationship.

i'll be honest. even before my mental health deteriorated my abilities with these kind of relationships was about as useful as stephen hawking's football boots. im shit at talking to women. theres never been anything serious or long lasting. during my depression there's been no 'special relationship' with me and a ladygirlwoman. thats not to say that there isnt someone i care about a great deal. i may even have used the L word when talking about her to other close friends.

unfortunatly she doesnt feel the same way. a total kick to the feels. however, she is still a close friend and that is ace. we take care of each other when either of us aren't doing good. we've been through rough times and have both dealt with depression. its a very close relationship. (and yeah, there are still emotions and feelings there...)

there is something that makes a relationship between 2 people a lot more important if you've been through similar bad times. i believe that depression and self harm is something you cannot fully understand unless you have experienced it first hand. when i've spoken to people who have experienced them they seem to understand better. it adds an extra ammount of depth to a relationship.

depression/self harm sufferers should never underestimate the power of talking to someone who has experienced the same things. they can give an entirely different view than those who havent dealt with mental health issues. its also an entirely different support structure which they can give. im very lucky to have that lady in my life. and while its not in the way in which i wish, im still very happy that i have that relationship with her. 

the last relationship i want to mention is the one i had with a counsellor from the YMCA counselling service. that was totally different to anything i've experienced when it came to talking about stuff.

the fact that it was a third party i was talking to made it so much easier to open up, even though it was face to face. i didnt have to see them all the time. i didnt have to talk to them all the time. 

for that one hour a week i could just get loads of stuff off my chest and they would listen and offer their opinion. 

there was no friendship. no complex connections. no fallout after speaking to them. it was basically like a patient/doctor relationship. you only said what YOU wanted to say. it really helped to have that option available to me and if you are reading this and need to talk to someone i strongly suggest looking into the YMCA counselling service or a similar service in your area.

Scars

“Scars are but evidence of life. Evidence of choices to be learned from...evidence of wounds...wounds inflicted of mistakes...wounds we choose to allow the healing of. We likewise choose to see them, that we may not make the same mistakes again.”

this is another one of those posts which has a fair bit to do with self harm. if you are not comfortable with this topic please dont go any further than this picture of a small puppy.

i've mentioned self harm in a previous post and i tried to go into a fair bit of detail about my experiences with it. i briefly went over the sub-topic of scars, but i feel that this is something that requires its own post.

in the aftermath of my self harming a lot of scars were left. going to town on yourself with a Stanley knife blade or a lighter tends to do that. what a lot of people dont realise is that the scars themselves can leave a psychological effect on the person who has inflicted them. 

scars dont go away. they may fade, but they will never fully disappear. at first i kept them ALL hidden. long sleeved shirts, jumpers/hoodies were all used to good effect. as i've progressed after my experiences with self harm i have been able to wear short sleeved shirts, which reveals the 20 or so scars i have on my lower right arm. im not trying to be a big man and show them off. im not trying to make a statement saying "yeah, ive been through some shit times, check me out and chill." im trying to be normal. 

obviously, people have noticed those lines on my forearm. usually there is one of two responses. either they notice them, but dont say anything, which is what older people tend to do. the other response is to ask what happened to my arm. this usually comes from younger people- children or young teens. 

depending on how im feeling and who the person who asked is my reply can vary. with younger people i tend to say it was an accident with a grass strimmer. or i fell off my skateboard into broken glass." its easier to give one of those answers than to have to try and explain self harm to someone who is a bit too young to understand. with older people it tends to be more of a blunt response. "isnt it obvious?" or "what do you think?" 

that sounds harsh and arsey, doesnt it. its very difficult to explain about self harm to anyone of any age, even more so if it is someone you dont know very well. with close friends its easier to talk about....

however with family its very difficult. ive never been good with opening up about stuff to my family. dont get me wrong, i love them all to bits (even if sometimes i want to punch them) but i think there is something very difficult about opening up about something to someone when you see them ALL the time. i almost feel like i end up constantly bracing myself for a question to pop up out of nowhere about it. that constant state of "oh fuck, what are they going to ask me now?" is not nice. 

psychologically, telling my parents about self harm is quite possibly the hardest thing ive ever had to do (and ive done mile high club on COD 4 on the hardest difficulty!) i made a deal with my best (and closest) friend to tell my parents, and i have never been more terrified in my life! 

one of my 'problems' is that im constantly worried about what my parents think. what they'd think if i bring a girl back home to meet them (HA! like that happens!) what they'd think about my views on religion (they are christians) and so on, so obviously i was shitting myself about what they'd think when they found out i'd been using my arm as a chopping board. fortunately, once it was over and done they were ok. (as far as i know) i managed to tell them and get it off my chest. 

i think that my constant worrying about what my parents think is one of the reasons why ive yet to be brave enough to wear short sleeved t-shirts or vests. my upper arm is covered in scars. big scars. little scars. wide. thin. long. short. its not very nice. 

i want to have both my arms out on display. i want people to see my awesome walking dead tattoo on my left arm. i want to be comfortable enough to wear what i want. however there is something; some kind of mental block that is keeping me from having both my arms out. 

im not ashamed of the scars i have. im more concerned with people noticing how much weight i've put on during the course of my depression than the scars on my arm. (yeah, for some reason during my depression i've become really self conscious about how i look) its one of those things that no matter how much i want to do it i just cant, and i have no idea why.

different people see different things when they notice the scars on my forearm. some people see mental health issues. some people see some wannabe emo kid trying to get attention. some people see sadness. some people dont know what they see. what i see are memories. those scars will be with me forever. however i dont want to cover them up with a tattoo or anything. i want to be able to see them whenever i look at my arm. i want them to be a reminder of a worse time than now. a time where all i could do to control myself was to slash my arm. i know now that there are better ways to release any pent up negative emotion; be it anger, sadness or frustration. 

i am not ashamed of my experience with self harm. im not proud of it either, but i will NOT try and forget it. i know exactly how a blade feels when it goes through your skin. i know how it feels to see blood oozing from your body and running down your arm. i know how it feels to have your hands covered in your own blood. i wont forget that. i cannot and will not forget that. 

my experiences with self harm, and the psychological and physical effects it has left on me with stay with me forever. all i can do is try and learn from it, and try and make sure others dont make the same choices i did. 

i posted the quote at the top of the page, but i'll post it here as well

“Scars are but evidence of life. Evidence of choices to be learned from...evidence of wounds...wounds inflicted of mistakes...wounds we choose to allow the healing of. We likewise choose to see them, that we may not make the same mistakes again.”

i have no idea where that quote is from or who said it, but it is definitely something that sticks in my head and is something i can relate to VERY well.

Dont Panic, DONT PANIC!.... oh shit, im panicking!

its not often i write about something thats happened only a day before i put a post on here together. i think that sometimes its better to dwell on things and try to understand them a bit better before going into detail about them. sometimes its just not suitable to write about something so soon after its happened and sometimes it takes me a while to get the nerve to actually write and publish something thats affected me (i.e. the self harm post).

the fact is, that this post is about something that happened yesterday. i'd quite like to look back on this post in a few weeks/months/years to see how i reacted now and how i would have reacted to the situation in the future. its not a huge moment, but its something that has affected me yesterday and today.

now, as any friends and family who read this will know, i LOVE skateboarding. been doing it since i was 10. im not particularly good, but i really enjoy it. i figured that since i hadnt been for a skate for a while i would toddle down to (read that as get a lift from my dad to) my local skatepark and have a roll around. i was really up for a skate and really looking forward to it. 

(cmoac. a picture of me that i like! ^^^)

now, i get to the skatepark and its pretty much empty, however there is a big event going on at the sports centre/playing field where the skatepark is situated.

im rolling around and getting used to being back on the ol' whizzplank after a good couple of months not skating, then all of a sudden a random lady in a "team management" shirt comes over and explains what they are doing and asks if i want to help with doing some skateboard lessons. 

sure, why not? im ok with kids (when im not in a bad mood and they arent being retarded twatmonkeys) so yeah, im in. 

a 'team meeting' happens to explain whats going on and i start panicking. i have no idea why. i end up lying to this group and saying there was an emergency and i had to go home, at which point i left, made a call to get picked up and then i hid in a shop for a bit until my dad arrived. yeah, thats right. a 24 year old, 6ft 4, 15 stone guy ran away and hid. pathetic, right?!

i hate myself for doing that. im so angry, frustrated and upset with myself for pussying out and running away from something which a few years ago i would have had no problem doing. i used to volunteer at a youth group and did so for 7 years for fucks sake. im alright with young people/kids and i enjoy skating. surely combining the two would be a winning combination.

NO. i fucked up and i dont know why. i thought i'd been doing ok until that happened. i have no idea why i had a panic attack and had to get myself out of that situation, but i really do hate myself for it.

people dont realise that depression can cause you to have problems with social interaction. before my mental health issues started i wasnt particularly good with social situations. after my brain went do-lally it became even harder to do. i thought i was ok with places i knew well; the skatepark being one of those places. just goes to show that panic/anxiety attacks can happen anywhere. 

i want to be able to control my emotions. keep myself stable and ok in social situations but it is SO SO SO difficult to do. 

i need to learn how to control this stuff. the trip to the comic con in london is still on, so i need to get my shit together for that. 

sorry for a fairly negative post. i usually try and keep this positive but thats not the case with this one.

i WILL NOT have this happen on my trip to London. i cant let it happen. i want to learn to enjoy myself in social situations. i want to be able to be calm and comfortable around people. 

i want to be myself again...

HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (or depression and anger go hand in hand, and then both those hands beat the shit out of you)

anger. good lord, i really could write so so SO much about how pissed off i get nowadays. its strange how as my mental health deteriorated so did my ability to remain calm and not get wound up and end up punching someone repeatedly in the kidneys until they puked up their own testicles. 

before my issues with depression, anxiety and self harm started i was a fairly laid back individual. it took a LOT to piss me off. even more to piss me off enough that someone could get a response or rise out of me. 

in the months before i was diagnosed people noticed that i was becoming a lot angrier. my ability to brush things aside was failing and i was, for lack of a better phrase, becoming a grumpy bastard. as my mental health failed so did my ability to cope. 

now i know there are situations where anyone would be pissed off about things. anger is a natural part of life. everyone has it in them, no matter how calm and collected they may seem. the problem is when that anger starts to choke all the other emotions. instead of being happy about finishing a piece of work at college i was angry that i hadnt done it quicker, or i hadnt done as good a job as i wanted to. instead of being pleased about seeing a group of friends i'd be pissed off that one person didnt show up. etc.

the balance was off. anger was outweighing everything else. 

i became pissed off with friends. angry at family. pissed off and angry at myself (more than anything else i might add) there was no real reason for it. a silly little thing like my parents forgetting to pick up a bottle of coke for me when they went to the shop made me want to hit them with a brick. friends not replying when i sent them a text made me hate them. the tiniest things sent me into a royally pissed off mood.

(other small things sent me into a downward spiral as well, but im concentrating this post on anger)

even when out doing things i enjoyed (to try and stop myself from getting angry) i found myself getting so aggressive, angry and pissed off that it caused others to worry about their safety. i actually had a person threaten to call the police at one time because of how angry i was getting (i shouted at a kid who was throwing rubbish and fizzy drinks all over a skatepark if you're wondering)

i was angry and the world, everyone in it, everything in it and most of all, myself. (my bedroom door will testify to that. a few times i punched hard enough to rip the hinge screws from out of the doorframe...

now obviously i will have to mention the self harm, as that was part of how i was trying to get that anger out of my system. 

when i was doing that i felt fairly calm. i felt in control. in control of my emotions. in control of the damage i was doing. in control of ME. i'll be honest, it felt good to be in control, even if i was leaking red stuff out of the cuts on my arm at the time. 

when i stopped it became very difficult for me to deal with anger. holding it in wasnt good. letting it build up inside me was NOT a good thing to do. i had to find a way to let it out of my system in a way to not cause harm to myself or to others.

to be honest, i havent found a foolproof way to do that yet, however, one thing about me has changed a LOT regarding the anger: i try not to hold it in for any length of time. if im pissed off i try to tell someone. if something insignificant is pissing me off (such as the total bullshit calls the referee on fifa 13 makes) then i try to walk away and give myself a break from that particular thing. 

its much easier to be able to rant TO someone about something than rant AT someone. im lucky that i have friends who i can talk to about just about anything, so sometimes its just good to say to someone "im pissed off about such and such, can i talk to you about it?" and get it out of your system. 

anger is a total bitch, however its a necessary bitch to have. after my dealings with anger i think anyone who doesnt get get angry or show anger every once in a while is a pressure boiler that could go boom. its better to get those aggressive emotions out of your system in little controlled pieces than in one big explosion which will more than likely end up with you losing friends or with a criminal record. 

when you get told by someone who you trust and love that you are "a very scary person to be around when you're angry" it makes you realise just how much you've changed, and just how important it is that you learn to control that anger. 

its ok to be pissed off. just instead of storing that anger up and then going batshit crazy and hulk-smashing your way through your local tescos find a way to let it out gradually, be it through talking to friends, shooting the crap out of things on videogames or through physical exercise. 

and sometimes all it takes to calm you down is to take a few seconds for yourself. a few deep breaths and a reminder to yourself that you CAN control this if you try. 

doubt and anxiety can eat a dick

   one of the things i hate most about my ongoing dealings with depression is the amount of worrying i do. 

   "what do they think?" "what do i do?" "how do i do this?" "why didnt i do that?" "what if this or that happens?" "what are those people saying?" "are they talking about me?"

   take travelling for example. i am terrified of using public transport on my own. im constantly worrying about taking the wrong bus or train or whatever and ending up in the arse end of nowhere with a used ticket and a look of confusion on my face. even though chances are that i wont get on the wrong bus or train i still worry about it. 

   the worrying evolves and soon you find yourself not wanting to do anything because you're imagining every possible scenario in your head. "what if i get the wrong train?" "what if i miss my train back and get stuck in london?" "what if someone steals my wallet while im in london and I have no money or I.D?" "what if there is an accident?" it all builds up and in the end you just end up sitting at home doing fuck all because you're too much of a pussy to actually go outside and try and enjoy life. believe me, that is not something you want to end up running your life.

   that sense of worry spills over into just about everything. "what if i make an arse of myself in front of that girl i like?" "what if i hurt myself trying something new on the ol' skateyplank?" "what if these new people i'm meeting dont like me?"

WHAT IF...

 

   now usually with these posts i try to explain how i deal with these things, but this one i still dont know how to handle that anxiety and the sense of worry i get over little things. i really havent got a clue what im doing. 

   i want to go to london in october and meet an actor from a tv series i really like, but im still thinking "what if?" in my head there are so many things that could go wrong, and thinking about those things scares me. 

   i really want to go to london. and i am seriously considering going down there on my own if i cant find someone to go with me. it scares me, but surely meeting someone you look up to is a good reason to try and confront your fears, right?

i guess i'll find out come october...

"I need help"

    quite possibly the 3 hardest words i have ever had to say. having a huge panic attack, quickly followed by losing control of your emotions and finally finishing up curled in the foetal position crying like a 3 year old who's just been stung by a wasp is not exactly the most elegant or brave ways to admit that you need help. 

   thats how it happened i ended up doing it. my dad walks into my room and finds me like that.

"what wrong? why are you up here crying?"

"because i shouldnt be wishing i was dead all the time... i need help"

   those 3 words are fucking terrifying. i cant imagine how that must have sounded to my father as well. i dont know if you read this but Dad, im sorry i put you through that. 

    i'd always been the kind of person to not ask for help with personal stuff like feelings and emotions since i figured that they are the kind of things my brain should be able to control. knowing that i couldnt control my own thoughts and feelings scared me so much (and still does to this day)

   i'd known for a while that i wasnt right. i'd spoken to a few friends during the lead up to me actually beginning to get help and i was dependent on them for emotional support when i wasnt doing good. they kept saying i needed to go to the doctors and i kept saying no. they were right. 

   there is only so much one person can do alone. there will always come a time where you need some help and support; whether that be from friends, family or professionals. in the end i needed (and still need) all the help i can get from friends, family AND professionals. 

   it isnt easy to admit that you need help. to be honest i didnt want to do it. it just sort of happened. HOWEVER, im glad it did happen because since then ive been able to get help and support from professionals and other depression sufferers alike.

if anyone who is reading this is struggling and thinking about getting professional help then dont be ashamed of it. 1 in 4 people are affected by some kind of mental health issue. as ive said before in my self harm post; you arent alone in this. people will help and support you. IF you let them. im glad i did.

(im keeping this one short because there isnt a lot to say since after admitting i needed help. if i do post much more i'd only end up copying from previous posts, or end up talking about stuff i want to add into future entries into this blog.) 

Confessions of an Ex-self harmer

This post deals with self harm. if you are uncomfortable with this topic please dont read any further.

   ive really wanted to write a bit about my experiences with self harm for a long time; ever since i "came out" about it to my parents. im not really sure how im going to handle writing this, but i'll give it a shot and see what happens. 

   i wont be trying to generalise self harm as it is different for everyone who has been affected by it, but i will try to be honest and be as open as i can about how self harm has affected me. 

   so, a brief outline of how it all started. 

during my third year of college things didnt go well for me. i may have passed the course, but there was a huge effect on my mental state. i was upset, angry, worn out and generally pissed off with the world. i was also severely pissed off, angry and frustrated with myself. i didnt do exactly what i wanted to do during the course and it got to me. once you get on that slippery slope down towards depression is a bastard to get off of or climb back up.

   my parents found out about my depression and i started seeing a doctor, however i had not begun to hurt myself yet. that started about a month after i'd been diagnosed.

   have you ever done something, good or bad and you arent quite sure why you did it? thats how my experiences with self harm started. for some reason i had a lighter next to my bed, and being the typical guy i decided i wanted to play with fire (literally). i ended up letting the top of the lighter get hot and completely out of the blue i pushed it against my upper arm, just below the shoulder.

   the strange thing was it didnt hurt. it didnt feel good, but it gave me a strange sense of release. it was as if a little bit of that stress and anger was out of my head. 

   it then progressed from a lighter to a stanley knife blade. owing to the college course i did i had plenty of these lying around. using a blade was getting rid of the anger and pent up agression that seemed to be pressing against the inside of my skull. honestly, it helped me, and it helped me for a good few months. 

   i could only ever use a blade on my right arm though. if i didnt use my left hand to hold the blade i didnt feel in control. i tried using my right hand to cut my left arm, but it just didnt feel right. i couldnt control the blade as well as using my left hand and i didnt like that.

   i took to wearing darker clothes with long sleeves as the cuts worked their way down my arm. the dark clothes helped to hide any blood that may seep through the top i was wearing. i remember after one particularly intense session the entire sleeve of the shirt i was wearing was literally dripping with my own blood. 

   the release of all those negative and aggressive emotions was great. the state of my arm wasnt. 

   i stopped because of my best friend. she made me promise to stop using a blade and i promised myself i would find a different way to deal with all the things ratting around in my head.

   3 months doesnt sound like a long time does it? i have known people who have dealt with self harm problems their whole life and are still dealing with them, so i guess im lucky that i managed to get out of the habit. im not saying im stronger or better than those people who are still dealing with self harm. i dont want to come off like that. im just saying that it can affect different people for different lengths of time. 

   thats my first hand experience with self harm. i figured i'd tell you about that first before i write any other stuff. 

so, why did i do it? 

   when i first started, i didnt know why. it wasnt actually until i'd stopped that i realised fully why i self harmed. 

   Release. its all about release and how i coped with situations in my life. if i had a shit day then i needed a way to get those shit feelings out of my system. i blamed myself for having a crap day and a crap mental state. the obvious answer was to punish myself for it. whatever the problem was was my fault and i needed to be punished. (i know that sounds like some weird S&M stuff but its not that. honest.) as i punished myself i realised that using a blade was actually calming me down as well. it got rid of the immense pressure that was building up inside my mind. the shit builds up, i need to find a way to get rid of it. slash. cut. slash. no more pressure.... until the next time i had a rough day.

   about half way through my counselling course with the YMCA  (brilliant support. i will post a link to them as well as TWLOHA at the end of this post) my counsellor brought a bottle of coke with her to the meeting. i noticed it and suddenly i had an epiphany. 

   if you drop a fizzy drink on the floor then pressure builds up. now you can either wait for it to calm down, or you can release the lid slowly and gradually the pressure within the bottle dissipates, allowing you to open the lid safely without being drenched in a delicious beverage and being annoyed because you've both got covered in drink AND wasted some of your coke!

   if my mental state was a bottle of fizzy drink that i'd just dropped on the floor what i was doing, instead of releasing the pressure safely and carefully was to grab a sharp object and stab the bottle repeatedly with holes so the pressure could escape. now that does work. you get rid of the pressure, but you also lose a lot of your drink and any chance you had of using the bottle again. its not a good way to deal with stuff. 

   what i had to do was teach myself how to open the lid of my emotions safely without causing everything inside to come tumbling out uncontrollably. im still learning how to do that, even now. i have bad days sometimes. REALLY bad days. i'll be honest, the urge to use a blade or a lighter is still there, but its an easy way out. i'd rather release those emotions gradually and safely than just hack and slash until they pour out. i will NOT self harm again. i promised my friend and i will not allow myself to break that promise, now matter how much i want to. 

   now, this bit is a little different to my normal rambling. i asked facebook friends if they wanted me to have a go at answering any questions regarding self harm. i got asked a couple of questions so here's my attempt to answer them...

"When we've talked about it at home I've tried to explain why someone does that and that it's not as simple as wanting to hurt yourself. Would be good to hear 'from the horse's mouth' why and how it feels both at the time and afterwards."

   at the time it didnt feel bad or good. it just felt like release. it was a way to get rid of emotional stress. i was more worried about people finding out about it than what i was actually doing. physically i didnt feel any pain at all. you'd think with my mention of punishing myself i'd want there to be pain, but there was nothing. 

   in my case it really wasnt about hurting myself. it was about finding a way to make myself feel better and get a weight off of my shoulders. cutting gave me that mental release i needed. unfortunately the release was only temporary so i had to do it again and again and again. it wasnt the right thing to do, but it definitely worked for me. the only problem is you end up WANTING to do it when you're feeling rough because you know it gives you a release. then if you dont get the release you want you do it more and more. at first i didnt really cut much. but as i needed a bigger and better release the cuts got deeper and longer. 

   looking back, self harm is not something im proud of. its not something im ashamed of either. it was my way of dealing with my problems. unfortunately, it wasnt the best way to go about making myself feel better. 

   the scars dont go away either. i will be stuck with those for the rest of my life. during my time dealing with depression i have become pretty self conscious of how i look. having an armful of scars doesnt exactly boost my self esteem. 

 "How can medical professionals help and understand the issue of self harm better?"

   hire people who have done it, or talk as much as possible with people who have stopped self harming and who are willing to talk about it.

personally, i think that the only way someone can truly understand self harm is if they have done it themselves. i dont think its possible for me to explain all the emotions, reasons and ramifications involved in self harm to other people. it's just too complicated. 

   as an example imagine an astronaut. he/she can go to space and come back and spend hour after hour trying to explain what it was like, but in the end the only way someone can truly see what its like is to be there themselves.

im not saying everyone who wants to help those who have/do harm themselves should go out and pick up a razor blade and go to town on themselves. i just think its a very difficult subject for medial professionals to help with if they dont have as much of an understanding of it as possible.

"What would help make you feel more understood and supported?"

   luckily for me, i have a small group of friends who i can talk to about this stuff, so i feel pretty well supported (return of the emotional bra for my double d mental issues!) i think that if you know someone who self harms then the best thing to do is just be there for them. having someone by your side who you can talk to and lean on is a MASSIVE help for those suffering from mental health issues. they dont have to talk all the time about whats going on with their health. just having someone to chat with about anything and everything does wonders. 

  as for being understood, i dont really mind not being understood. sure its difficult sometimes when someone says "whats that on your arm?" that doesnt usually happen much though. most people either stay quiet or avoid the topic. to be honest im pretty open about talking about my experiences with self harm (otherwise i wouldnt have written this post) so i dont mind answering questions about it. 

    occassionally you get the odd wanker who just throws abuse at you for it. "focking emo wankeh!" is one that ive heard before (with that accent) and to be honest im past caring about what twats like that think. i have all the time in the world for people who actually want to talk about the topic of self harm, but people who are just shallow-minded fuckwits who dont have the common decency to avoid the topic instead of being a massive twat can go play on the A1 at rush hour. 

i really do hope this post has been a little insight into the mind of someone who has self harmed. if you are reading this and do self harm, please talk to someone about it. doesnt have to be a counselling service or a doctor. just chat with a close friend or family member. 

you arent alone in this.

Websites:

http://theymca.org.uk/counselling/  - ymca counselling service in cambridgeshire

http://twloha.com/ - To Write Love On Her Arms

http://selfharm.co.uk/home - Selfharm