"I need help"

    quite possibly the 3 hardest words i have ever had to say. having a huge panic attack, quickly followed by losing control of your emotions and finally finishing up curled in the foetal position crying like a 3 year old who's just been stung by a wasp is not exactly the most elegant or brave ways to admit that you need help. 

   thats how it happened i ended up doing it. my dad walks into my room and finds me like that.

"what wrong? why are you up here crying?"

"because i shouldnt be wishing i was dead all the time... i need help"

   those 3 words are fucking terrifying. i cant imagine how that must have sounded to my father as well. i dont know if you read this but Dad, im sorry i put you through that. 

    i'd always been the kind of person to not ask for help with personal stuff like feelings and emotions since i figured that they are the kind of things my brain should be able to control. knowing that i couldnt control my own thoughts and feelings scared me so much (and still does to this day)

   i'd known for a while that i wasnt right. i'd spoken to a few friends during the lead up to me actually beginning to get help and i was dependent on them for emotional support when i wasnt doing good. they kept saying i needed to go to the doctors and i kept saying no. they were right. 

   there is only so much one person can do alone. there will always come a time where you need some help and support; whether that be from friends, family or professionals. in the end i needed (and still need) all the help i can get from friends, family AND professionals. 

   it isnt easy to admit that you need help. to be honest i didnt want to do it. it just sort of happened. HOWEVER, im glad it did happen because since then ive been able to get help and support from professionals and other depression sufferers alike.

if anyone who is reading this is struggling and thinking about getting professional help then dont be ashamed of it. 1 in 4 people are affected by some kind of mental health issue. as ive said before in my self harm post; you arent alone in this. people will help and support you. IF you let them. im glad i did.

(im keeping this one short because there isnt a lot to say since after admitting i needed help. if i do post much more i'd only end up copying from previous posts, or end up talking about stuff i want to add into future entries into this blog.)