Sunday, 21 July 2013

doubt and anxiety can eat a dick

   one of the things i hate most about my ongoing dealings with depression is the amount of worrying i do. 

   "what do they think?" "what do i do?" "how do i do this?" "why didnt i do that?" "what if this or that happens?" "what are those people saying?" "are they talking about me?"

   take travelling for example. i am terrified of using public transport on my own. im constantly worrying about taking the wrong bus or train or whatever and ending up in the arse end of nowhere with a used ticket and a look of confusion on my face. even though chances are that i wont get on the wrong bus or train i still worry about it. 

   the worrying evolves and soon you find yourself not wanting to do anything because you're imagining every possible scenario in your head. "what if i get the wrong train?" "what if i miss my train back and get stuck in london?" "what if someone steals my wallet while im in london and I have no money or I.D?" "what if there is an accident?" it all builds up and in the end you just end up sitting at home doing fuck all because you're too much of a pussy to actually go outside and try and enjoy life. believe me, that is not something you want to end up running your life.

   that sense of worry spills over into just about everything. "what if i make an arse of myself in front of that girl i like?" "what if i hurt myself trying something new on the ol' skateyplank?" "what if these new people i'm meeting dont like me?"

   now usually with these posts i try to explain how i deal with these things, but this one i still dont know how to handle that anxiety and the sense of worry i get over little things. i really havent got a clue what im doing. 

   i want to go to london in october and meet an actor from a tv series i really like, but im still thinking "what if?" in my head there are so many things that could go wrong, and thinking about those things scares me. 

   i really want to go to london. and i am seriously considering going down there on my own if i cant find someone to go with me. it scares me, but surely meeting someone you look up to is a good reason to try and confront your fears, right?

i guess i'll find out come october...

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