Friday, 30 August 2013

HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (or depression and anger go hand in hand, and then both those hands beat the shit out of you)

anger. good lord, i really could write so so SO much about how pissed off i get nowadays. its strange how as my mental health deteriorated so did my ability to remain calm and not get wound up and end up punching someone repeatedly in the kidneys until they puked up their own testicles. 

before my issues with depression, anxiety and self harm started i was a fairly laid back individual. it took a LOT to piss me off. even more to piss me off enough that someone could get a response or rise out of me. 

in the months before i was diagnosed people noticed that i was becoming a lot angrier. my ability to brush things aside was failing and i was, for lack of a better phrase, becoming a grumpy bastard. as my mental health failed so did my ability to cope. 

now i know there are situations where anyone would be pissed off about things. anger is a natural part of life. everyone has it in them, no matter how calm and collected they may seem. the problem is when that anger starts to choke all the other emotions. instead of being happy about finishing a piece of work at college i was angry that i hadnt done it quicker, or i hadnt done as good a job as i wanted to. instead of being pleased about seeing a group of friends i'd be pissed off that one person didnt show up. etc.

the balance was off. anger was outweighing everything else. 

i became pissed off with friends. angry at family. pissed off and angry at myself (more than anything else i might add) there was no real reason for it. a silly little thing like my parents forgetting to pick up a bottle of coke for me when they went to the shop made me want to hit them with a brick. friends not replying when i sent them a text made me hate them. the tiniest things sent me into a royally pissed off mood.

(other small things sent me into a downward spiral as well, but im concentrating this post on anger)

even when out doing things i enjoyed (to try and stop myself from getting angry) i found myself getting so aggressive, angry and pissed off that it caused others to worry about their safety. i actually had a person threaten to call the police at one time because of how angry i was getting (i shouted at a kid who was throwing rubbish and fizzy drinks all over a skatepark if you're wondering)

i was angry and the world, everyone in it, everything in it and most of all, myself. (my bedroom door will testify to that. a few times i punched hard enough to rip the hinge screws from out of the doorframe...

now obviously i will have to mention the self harm, as that was part of how i was trying to get that anger out of my system. 

when i was doing that i felt fairly calm. i felt in control. in control of my emotions. in control of the damage i was doing. in control of ME. i'll be honest, it felt good to be in control, even if i was leaking red stuff out of the cuts on my arm at the time. 

when i stopped it became very difficult for me to deal with anger. holding it in wasnt good. letting it build up inside me was NOT a good thing to do. i had to find a way to let it out of my system in a way to not cause harm to myself or to others.

to be honest, i havent found a foolproof way to do that yet, however, one thing about me has changed a LOT regarding the anger: i try not to hold it in for any length of time. if im pissed off i try to tell someone. if something insignificant is pissing me off (such as the total bullshit calls the referee on fifa 13 makes) then i try to walk away and give myself a break from that particular thing. 

its much easier to be able to rant TO someone about something than rant AT someone. im lucky that i have friends who i can talk to about just about anything, so sometimes its just good to say to someone "im pissed off about such and such, can i talk to you about it?" and get it out of your system. 

anger is a total bitch, however its a necessary bitch to have. after my dealings with anger i think anyone who doesnt get get angry or show anger every once in a while is a pressure boiler that could go boom. its better to get those aggressive emotions out of your system in little controlled pieces than in one big explosion which will more than likely end up with you losing friends or with a criminal record. 

when you get told by someone who you trust and love that you are "a very scary person to be around when you're angry" it makes you realise just how much you've changed, and just how important it is that you learn to control that anger. 

its ok to be pissed off. just instead of storing that anger up and then going batshit crazy and hulk-smashing your way through your local tescos find a way to let it out gradually, be it through talking to friends, shooting the crap out of things on videogames or through physical exercise. 

and sometimes all it takes to calm you down is to take a few seconds for yourself. a few deep breaths and a reminder to yourself that you CAN control this if you try. 

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