the fact is, that this post is about something that happened yesterday. i'd quite like to look back on this post in a few weeks/months/years to see how i reacted now and how i would have reacted to the situation in the future. its not a huge moment, but its something that has affected me yesterday and today.
now, as any friends and family who read this will know, i LOVE skateboarding. been doing it since i was 10. im not particularly good, but i really enjoy it. i figured that since i hadnt been for a skate for a while i would toddle down to (read that as get a lift from my dad to) my local skatepark and have a roll around. i was really up for a skate and really looking forward to it.
(cmoac. a picture of me that i like! ^^^)
now, i get to the skatepark and its pretty much empty, however there is a big event going on at the sports centre/playing field where the skatepark is situated.
im rolling around and getting used to being back on the ol' whizzplank after a good couple of months not skating, then all of a sudden a random lady in a "team management" shirt comes over and explains what they are doing and asks if i want to help with doing some skateboard lessons.
sure, why not? im ok with kids (when im not in a bad mood and they arent being retarded twatmonkeys) so yeah, im in.
a 'team meeting' happens to explain whats going on and i start panicking. i have no idea why. i end up lying to this group and saying there was an emergency and i had to go home, at which point i left, made a call to get picked up and then i hid in a shop for a bit until my dad arrived. yeah, thats right. a 24 year old, 6ft 4, 15 stone guy ran away and hid. pathetic, right?!
i hate myself for doing that. im so angry, frustrated and upset with myself for pussying out and running away from something which a few years ago i would have had no problem doing. i used to volunteer at a youth group and did so for 7 years for fucks sake. im alright with young people/kids and i enjoy skating. surely combining the two would be a winning combination.
NO. i fucked up and i dont know why. i thought i'd been doing ok until that happened. i have no idea why i had a panic attack and had to get myself out of that situation, but i really do hate myself for it.
people dont realise that depression can cause you to have problems with social interaction. before my mental health issues started i wasnt particularly good with social situations. after my brain went do-lally it became even harder to do. i thought i was ok with places i knew well; the skatepark being one of those places. just goes to show that panic/anxiety attacks can happen anywhere.
i want to be able to control my emotions. keep myself stable and ok in social situations but it is SO SO SO difficult to do.
i need to learn how to control this stuff. the trip to the comic con in london is still on, so i need to get my shit together for that.
sorry for a fairly negative post. i usually try and keep this positive but thats not the case with this one.
i WILL NOT have this happen on my trip to London. i cant let it happen. i want to learn to enjoy myself in social situations. i want to be able to be calm and comfortable around people.
i want to be myself again...