Sunday, 1 September 2013

Dont Panic, DONT PANIC!.... oh shit, im panicking!

its not often i write about something thats happened only a day before i put a post on here together. i think that sometimes its better to dwell on things and try to understand them a bit better before going into detail about them. sometimes its just not suitable to write about something so soon after its happened and sometimes it takes me a while to get the nerve to actually write and publish something thats affected me (i.e. the self harm post).

the fact is, that this post is about something that happened yesterday. i'd quite like to look back on this post in a few weeks/months/years to see how i reacted now and how i would have reacted to the situation in the future. its not a huge moment, but its something that has affected me yesterday and today.

now, as any friends and family who read this will know, i LOVE skateboarding. been doing it since i was 10. im not particularly good, but i really enjoy it. i figured that since i hadnt been for a skate for a while i would toddle down to (read that as get a lift from my dad to) my local skatepark and have a roll around. i was really up for a skate and really looking forward to it. 
(cmoac. a picture of me that i like! ^^^)

now, i get to the skatepark and its pretty much empty, however there is a big event going on at the sports centre/playing field where the skatepark is situated.

im rolling around and getting used to being back on the ol' whizzplank after a good couple of months not skating, then all of a sudden a random lady in a "team management" shirt comes over and explains what they are doing and asks if i want to help with doing some skateboard lessons. 

sure, why not? im ok with kids (when im not in a bad mood and they arent being retarded twatmonkeys) so yeah, im in. 

a 'team meeting' happens to explain whats going on and i start panicking. i have no idea why. i end up lying to this group and saying there was an emergency and i had to go home, at which point i left, made a call to get picked up and then i hid in a shop for a bit until my dad arrived. yeah, thats right. a 24 year old, 6ft 4, 15 stone guy ran away and hid. pathetic, right?!

i hate myself for doing that. im so angry, frustrated and upset with myself for pussying out and running away from something which a few years ago i would have had no problem doing. i used to volunteer at a youth group and did so for 7 years for fucks sake. im alright with young people/kids and i enjoy skating. surely combining the two would be a winning combination.

NO. i fucked up and i dont know why. i thought i'd been doing ok until that happened. i have no idea why i had a panic attack and had to get myself out of that situation, but i really do hate myself for it.

people dont realise that depression can cause you to have problems with social interaction. before my mental health issues started i wasnt particularly good with social situations. after my brain went do-lally it became even harder to do. i thought i was ok with places i knew well; the skatepark being one of those places. just goes to show that panic/anxiety attacks can happen anywhere. 

i want to be able to control my emotions. keep myself stable and ok in social situations but it is SO SO SO difficult to do. 

i need to learn how to control this stuff. the trip to the comic con in london is still on, so i need to get my shit together for that. 

sorry for a fairly negative post. i usually try and keep this positive but thats not the case with this one.

i WILL NOT have this happen on my trip to London. i cant let it happen. i want to learn to enjoy myself in social situations. i want to be able to be calm and comfortable around people. 

i want to be myself again...

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