does this depression make me look fat?

one thing that i'd never picked up on before i'd experienced depression first hand is the physical effect it has on the person who is suffering from it. the knock on effects from the negative, introverted and imbalanced mind have a HUGE impact on the physicality of the sufferer. 

what i've found with my depression is that there is a HUGE lack of motivation to do anything, especially physical things. ive mentioned before on this blog that i like to skateboard. there have been periods during the past few years where the lack of motivation has caused me not to skate for long periods. 4 months is a long time without doing something you love to do is a LONG time. 

i used to be really into sport. during school i pretty much had a go at anything; football, rugby, tennis, squash, hockey, basketball, athletics etc. while that declined a fair bit during college i was still relatively active. when my depression decided to twat me in the face with the great stick of "FUCK YOU!" i stopped doing so many physical things. 

as a result of that i gained weight. 

a lot of weight.

going from around 11-12 stone to over 15 stone is not fun

now im 6ft 4, and i usually wear relatively baggy clothes, so i dont actually look fat until i take my top off, at which point i look like a pillow case filled with cake. (hence why i NEVER take my shirt off, even if its ridiculously hot)

im actually more self conscious about people noticing my weight than people noticing the scars on my arm. i can feel that im REALLY close to being able to have my arms out in public (i want to show off my walking dead tattoo if im honest) 

the other thing is that due to putting on weight and not being active enough i am ridiculously out of shape! 

ive been trying to have a kickabout with a mate more often and even that knackers me out. im shattered afterwards! same with the skateboarding. loss of stamina is a bitch, especially when you're doing something you used to be able to do for 6 or 7 hours straight

i do want to get back in shape and lose some of this weight, but again, motivation is pretty low at the moment. its a vicious circle: "urgh, i hate how i look, i better exercise" "im having a rough day. i really cant be fucked to exercise right now" "urgh, ive done nothing. ive put on so much weight!" etc.

on top of the weight etc is the simple matter of personal hygiene. sometimes things are just too much and even doing simple things like having a shower, brushing your teeth and so on just take so much effort. effort which you dont have! give it a few days with that mental state and you end up looking like something that has been fired through a large pile of discarded big macs: greasy, smelly and gross. 

not nice. 

fortunately, it takes a lot less effort to have a shower and a shave than it does to get in shape, so at least i can say im clean and smell nice, even if i am overweight! 

i felt like this topic should have a dedicated post as i feel that not a lot of people realise how much of a physical effect depression can have on someone. 

we all know someone who is very self conscious about how they look; be it a kid trying to fit in, a girl with self esteem issues or a guy who gets upset when people comment about their weight. now imagine that with the added effect of mental health issues. its not fun for that person, and they could use a boost; even if its just something as simple as saying "that shirt looks good on you."