Saturday 29 June 2013

Confessions of an Ex-self harmer

This post deals with self harm. if you are uncomfortable with this topic please dont read any further.



   ive really wanted to write a bit about my experiences with self harm for a long time; ever since i "came out" about it to my parents. im not really sure how im going to handle writing this, but i'll give it a shot and see what happens. 


   i wont be trying to generalise self harm as it is different for everyone who has been affected by it, but i will try to be honest and be as open as i can about how self harm has affected me. 


   so, a brief outline of how it all started. 
during my third year of college things didnt go well for me. i may have passed the course, but there was a huge effect on my mental state. i was upset, angry, worn out and generally pissed off with the world. i was also severely pissed off, angry and frustrated with myself. i didnt do exactly what i wanted to do during the course and it got to me. once you get on that slippery slope down towards depression is a bastard to get off of or climb back up.

   my parents found out about my depression and i started seeing a doctor, however i had not begun to hurt myself yet. that started about a month after i'd been diagnosed.

   have you ever done something, good or bad and you arent quite sure why you did it? thats how my experiences with self harm started. for some reason i had a lighter next to my bed, and being the typical guy i decided i wanted to play with fire (literally). i ended up letting the top of the lighter get hot and completely out of the blue i pushed it against my upper arm, just below the shoulder.

   the strange thing was it didnt hurt. it didnt feel good, but it gave me a strange sense of release. it was as if a little bit of that stress and anger was out of my head. 
   it then progressed from a lighter to a stanley knife blade. owing to the college course i did i had plenty of these lying around. using a blade was getting rid of the anger and pent up agression that seemed to be pressing against the inside of my skull. honestly, it helped me, and it helped me for a good few months. 

   i could only ever use a blade on my right arm though. if i didnt use my left hand to hold the blade i didnt feel in control. i tried using my right hand to cut my left arm, but it just didnt feel right. i couldnt control the blade as well as using my left hand and i didnt like that.


   i took to wearing darker clothes with long sleeves as the cuts worked their way down my arm. the dark clothes helped to hide any blood that may seep through the top i was wearing. i remember after one particularly intense session the entire sleeve of the shirt i was wearing was literally dripping with my own blood. 


   the release of all those negative and aggressive emotions was great. the state of my arm wasnt. 

   i stopped because of my best friend. she made me promise to stop using a blade and i promised myself i would find a different way to deal with all the things ratting around in my head.

   3 months doesnt sound like a long time does it? i have known people who have dealt with self harm problems their whole life and are still dealing with them, so i guess im lucky that i managed to get out of the habit. im not saying im stronger or better than those people who are still dealing with self harm. i dont want to come off like that. im just saying that it can affect different people for different lengths of time. 

   thats my first hand experience with self harm. i figured i'd tell you about that first before i write any other stuff. 


so, why did i do it? 

   when i first started, i didnt know why. it wasnt actually until i'd stopped that i realised fully why i self harmed. 

   Release. its all about release and how i coped with situations in my life. if i had a shit day then i needed a way to get those shit feelings out of my system. i blamed myself for having a crap day and a crap mental state. the obvious answer was to punish myself for it. whatever the problem was was my fault and i needed to be punished. (i know that sounds like some weird S&M stuff but its not that. honest.) as i punished myself i realised that using a blade was actually calming me down as well. it got rid of the immense pressure that was building up inside my mind. the shit builds up, i need to find a way to get rid of it. slash. cut. slash. no more pressure.... until the next time i had a rough day.

   about half way through my counselling course with the YMCA  (brilliant support. i will post a link to them as well as TWLOHA at the end of this post) my counsellor brought a bottle of coke with her to the meeting. i noticed it and suddenly i had an epiphany. 

   if you drop a fizzy drink on the floor then pressure builds up. now you can either wait for it to calm down, or you can release the lid slowly and gradually the pressure within the bottle dissipates, allowing you to open the lid safely without being drenched in a delicious beverage and being annoyed because you've both got covered in drink AND wasted some of your coke!

   if my mental state was a bottle of fizzy drink that i'd just dropped on the floor what i was doing, instead of releasing the pressure safely and carefully was to grab a sharp object and stab the bottle repeatedly with holes so the pressure could escape. now that does work. you get rid of the pressure, but you also lose a lot of your drink and any chance you had of using the bottle again. its not a good way to deal with stuff. 

   what i had to do was teach myself how to open the lid of my emotions safely without causing everything inside to come tumbling out uncontrollably. im still learning how to do that, even now. i have bad days sometimes. REALLY bad days. i'll be honest, the urge to use a blade or a lighter is still there, but its an easy way out. i'd rather release those emotions gradually and safely than just hack and slash until they pour out. i will NOT self harm again. i promised my friend and i will not allow myself to break that promise, now matter how much i want to. 


   now, this bit is a little different to my normal rambling. i asked facebook friends if they wanted me to have a go at answering any questions regarding self harm. i got asked a couple of questions so here's my attempt to answer them...


"When we've talked about it at home I've tried to explain why someone does that and that it's not as simple as wanting to hurt yourself. Would be good to hear 'from the horse's mouth' why and how it feels both at the time and afterwards."

   at the time it didnt feel bad or good. it just felt like release. it was a way to get rid of emotional stress. i was more worried about people finding out about it than what i was actually doing. physically i didnt feel any pain at all. you'd think with my mention of punishing myself i'd want there to be pain, but there was nothing. 

   in my case it really wasnt about hurting myself. it was about finding a way to make myself feel better and get a weight off of my shoulders. cutting gave me that mental release i needed. unfortunately the release was only temporary so i had to do it again and again and again. it wasnt the right thing to do, but it definitely worked for me. the only problem is you end up WANTING to do it when you're feeling rough because you know it gives you a release. then if you dont get the release you want you do it more and more. at first i didnt really cut much. but as i needed a bigger and better release the cuts got deeper and longer. 

   looking back, self harm is not something im proud of. its not something im ashamed of either. it was my way of dealing with my problems. unfortunately, it wasnt the best way to go about making myself feel better. 

   the scars dont go away either. i will be stuck with those for the rest of my life. during my time dealing with depression i have become pretty self conscious of how i look. having an armful of scars doesnt exactly boost my self esteem. 



 "How can medical professionals help and understand the issue of self harm better?"

   hire people who have done it, or talk as much as possible with people who have stopped self harming and who are willing to talk about it.
personally, i think that the only way someone can truly understand self harm is if they have done it themselves. i dont think its possible for me to explain all the emotions, reasons and ramifications involved in self harm to other people. it's just too complicated. 

   as an example imagine an astronaut. he/she can go to space and come back and spend hour after hour trying to explain what it was like, but in the end the only way someone can truly see what its like is to be there themselves.
im not saying everyone who wants to help those who have/do harm themselves should go out and pick up a razor blade and go to town on themselves. i just think its a very difficult subject for medial professionals to help with if they dont have as much of an understanding of it as possible.



"What would help make you feel more understood and supported?"



   luckily for me, i have a small group of friends who i can talk to about this stuff, so i feel pretty well supported (return of the emotional bra for my double d mental issues!) i think that if you know someone who self harms then the best thing to do is just be there for them. having someone by your side who you can talk to and lean on is a MASSIVE help for those suffering from mental health issues. they dont have to talk all the time about whats going on with their health. just having someone to chat with about anything and everything does wonders. 

  as for being understood, i dont really mind not being understood. sure its difficult sometimes when someone says "whats that on your arm?" that doesnt usually happen much though. most people either stay quiet or avoid the topic. to be honest im pretty open about talking about my experiences with self harm (otherwise i wouldnt have written this post) so i dont mind answering questions about it. 

    occassionally you get the odd wanker who just throws abuse at you for it. "focking emo wankeh!" is one that ive heard before (with that accent) and to be honest im past caring about what twats like that think. i have all the time in the world for people who actually want to talk about the topic of self harm, but people who are just shallow-minded fuckwits who dont have the common decency to avoid the topic instead of being a massive twat can go play on the A1 at rush hour. 



i really do hope this post has been a little insight into the mind of someone who has self harmed. if you are reading this and do self harm, please talk to someone about it. doesnt have to be a counselling service or a doctor. just chat with a close friend or family member. 

you arent alone in this.



Websites:

http://theymca.org.uk/counselling/  - ymca counselling service in cambridgeshire

http://twloha.com/ - To Write Love On Her Arms









Friday 28 June 2013

Escaping from Normality

    when you're dealing with depression a 'normal' day isnt that fun. there tends to be a LOT of overthinking about pointless things and despite the fact that they are insignificant and irrelevant to how you are at the moment you still fuss and stress over them. 

    worrying and fretting over the future is another big one that affects me as well. overthinking is a total bitch. thinking and fretting about the future is a superhuge megabitch. its a bigger bitch than joffrey from Game of Thrones. and that guy is a HUGE bitch who needs his smug face smashed with a brick, so you can see how much of a pain in the arse overthinking is.

    for those of you who dont know who joffrey is....


    i have found that a good way to deal with these things is to keep your mind pre-occupied with other things. now at this point some may say that having a job would keep my mind busy. unfortunately a big chunk of my mental health issues links in with new people, places and events. and mentally i am not prepared for that. (those arent my words. one of the companies i get help and support from have said that.)

    fortunately, i have found a few things that do keep my mind busy and give me little things to focus on, so im going to talk about those a little bit. 

first one.
    Pets: im not quite sure how it happened, but ive ended up with 5 geckos and 3 snakes. i really enjoy looking after them. theres something very satisfying about seeing one of your pets is healthy and doing well. i took on one of the geckos and it turned out she was ill, so ive been nursing her back to health and its great to see the change she has had over the past few months. 


    ive actually found that having animals that depend on you is a great way of motivating yourself to get up in the morning when you arent having a good day. lets be honest, everyone has days where you think "sod this, im staying in bed. " when you have pets to look after then you HAVE to get up to take care of them. sometimes that can be just the kick in the arse you need to get up and do stuff. 

2.
    DVD's and Videogames- im a BIG movie nerd. wont even try to deny it, and im fairly into my videogames as well. both of these provide a little escape from reality which allows me to have a couple of hours just to switch off and not think about the usual shite that gets to me. a little escape from this world into a movie or videogame can do a surprisingly good amount for your short term mental state. ive always found that pixar films are great to just switch off too. they are light hearted and fun (and in my opinion finding nemo is the second greatest kids film ever made. so thats a bonus when i watch that) 

and yes, im 24 and i love to watch pixar films! great films for any age!


    videogames (or at least on the current gen consoles of ps3 and xbox360) have an added bonus of trophies and achievements. not only does playing games give you a bit of a rest from everyday life (which for some people suffering from both mental and physical illness can be a MASSIVE struggle) but now they also give you little goals and targets to set yourself. ive lost track of how many times ive sat down to play a game for an hour and said "yeah, i'll try and get that achievement".... 3 hours later im still trying to do it! the sense of accomplishment is a nice little high to have as well. 


3. 
    Sport/exercise: always a good one. whether its going fishing, or going for a skate (although ive not been on my board for a few months now. i need to get back on the ol' wheelyplank) or having a kickabout with a friend at the park near his place its always satisfying to do something physical. every form of support ive been given via counselling, group meetings, cbt etc have all said that physical exercise is a great way to increase your self esteem. its true. all i need to do now is do it a lot more so i can actually get in shape and not be a fleshy pink coloured version of the staypuft man from ghostbusters 2!

4. 
    Reading; always good to read a book and keep your mind busy. not much needs to be said about this one, although it does lead me on to.......



   ...this last one, which is a bit different... those who know me personally (i know there are one or two who read this) will know that i am a HUGE Walking Dead fan. i love both the comics and the tv series. the weird thing is that TWD, and especially the comics have got me through a lot. sounds ridiculous doesnt it; a story about an apocalyptic world where the dead are returning to life and feasting on the living doesnt exactly sound like the kind of thing that would keep a depressed mind occupied but it works for me. i guess that just goes to show that it could be absolutely anything that may be what helps you relax the most. 

while there are LOADS of things that people could do to keep their minds busy and off of the things that get to them, be it relationships, health, family, friends, self image, self confidence etc i think that it takes a little bit of time and effort to find the right thing for you. its a combination of trying little things and looking around to see what is right for you. maybe a close friend will recommend things to you. that works really well, especially if you are into the same things. a good friend of mine (and her husband) got me into the Walking Dead. they also got me into Game of Thrones as well. maybe its worth people asking those close to them if there is anything that they watch/read/play/do that might help them keep their brain busy. who knows, you might find something thats just right for you








Thursday 27 June 2013

m-m-m-medication?!

   that was pretty much my reaction when my GP suggested putting me onto anti-depressants. i'd never been on any form of long term medication before. usually it was the odd paracetamol here and there for when i had a headache, or the horrible time i had hayfever so bad i had to have eye drops prescribed to me. whoever thought it would be a good idea to drip what feels like hydrochloric acid into a soft, squishy part of my face to help me see better during the summer months is a total arse! 



   anyway, meds for depression. i have been on citalopram and am currently taking fluoxitine. now i am pretty sure they have helped me and at least made me feel better for a little while. that may be a placebo effect and the idea that im taking medication to stop me feeling like shit may actually be helping me more than the medication itself. strange.


   there has been a lot of talk about whether or not anti-depressants work or not. the fact is that they may work for some people, but wont work for others. ive actually had one person say to me a while back "you're taking anti-depressants, why arent you alright now?" not only did this piss me off but it upset me as well. maybe that person had a point. if im taking pills specifically designed to stop me from feeling like cow shit then why do i still feel like a bovine turd?



   in my opinion i think that tablets alone arent enough. ive mentioned in earlier posts that it is important to have a support system around you. all the anti-depressants in the world arent going to stop you from thinking about things that make you feel crappy. they may stop a general feeling of "crappiness" but if its something specific that is getting to you then tablets do sweet F A. getting things off your chest and opening up to people is what can alleviate those things that are making you feel shitty. i wont go into details as i will save it for another post, but counselling helped a lot with those specific things that got me down. tablets dont deal with the problems. they just seem to slightly suppress the bad feelings and emotions those problems give you

   now i want to talk about the part of taking medication that affects my mental health which hits me the hardest. it is also a question i ask myself every time i have an ok day: "do i actually feel better or is it just the tablets?" the simple answer is that i dont know. i guess the only way i would be able to find out would be to stop taking the tablets and see how i feel after the chemicals are out of my system. hopefully i'll do that in the future, but for now im scared to do it. i dont know if thats a fear of change, or the fear that im not in control of my own emotions. whatever it is, it terrifies me, but i hope that in the future i will be able to come off the meds.

   it is odd that when i decided to write this post i was expecting it to be ridiculously long. i dont know if thats because my views on mental health related medication are fairly small or if its just because theres not a lot in my life regarding meds that i can talk about.  i'd really like to hear from others who are currently taking meds for mental health issues or have done. so please get in touch.



Wednesday 26 June 2013

"Im not insane. my mother had me tested"

    tests. i never liked any form of test when i was at school or college. sure, they were needed to get grades and qualifications, but that doesnt mean i had to like them! and the questions they had on them! bloody hell!!!!! "sanjeep, dave, chow and michelle all buy four hundred and twenty twelve bottles of tesco own brand cola each. if they each drink 1 bottle each 14 hours how many bottles with they have left in 3 weeks. use SOHCAHTOA to work out your answer and write it down as an unequal equation while using pythagoras theorem to work out the hypotenuse of this dorito." 

    i especially dont like tests and questionnaires which have been given to me when it comes to my mental state. "on a this scale from 0 to 4, with zero being 'never' and 4 being 'oh god, oh god, my brain is about to implode' how often do you feel inadequate or useless."

    ive never liked these segregated categories. as ive said in a previous post, depression affects people in different ways. something that may be a 4 for one person can be a big fat 0 for someone else. i understand why these tests are run, but when there is as much variation between people as there is when it comes to depression, categorizing into 5 pre-selected groups just doesnt seem to work. 

    one example that immediately springs to mind for me is "how often do you feel comfortable going out to places you are familiar with" (or words to that effect. i cant remember the exact question. sorry about that)
well, mr or mrs test author person, i can tell you now that that is one of the things that varies a hell of a lot for me! today i could be ok going down to tescos to look at dvds and see if sanjeep is there buying a shitload of cola. but tomorow i may be having a rough day and dont want to leave the house because going outside is scaring the shit out of me on that particular day 

    the answers to these questions that are given to me can vary from day to day. hell, they can vary from hour to hour and minute to minute depending on whats going on. im not very good with dealing with the unexpected, so one minute i could seem fine, the next im a trembling wreck! 3rd parties- be they friends, family or random people in a shop or on the phone can greatly affect how im feeling, both in a positive and negative manner. its almost impossible to accurately say how im feeling "today" because how im feeling can on a particular day can have more ups and downs than a fat kid on a trampoline!


    i will point out however that sometimes these questionnaires ask for an answer that is in an expanded time frame, e.g."in the past 2 weeks have you thought about harming yourself or ending your own life?" (just so you know, the answer to that one is no. thats a good thing) with these questions ive always found it a lot harder to answer. my mood and how im feeling can vary a HUGE amount in the course of two weeks. ups, downs, lefts, rights, curve balls, sudden occurrences, unexpected incidents can all affect my overall mood. its a total bitch. i guess the best thing to do for these answers is try and say "after everything that has happened this past fortnight how do i feel about it all?" then answer. that is what i do at least

    ive always thought that tests are a difficult way for people to show how they are feeling or coping with certain situations. its very difficult to label how you feel when you cant give your own answer and have to use one of the answers given to you by the question. the best thing to do is just to try and find the answer closest to how you feel. on the plus side of things sometimes whoever is asking you to do the question (in my case it has been counsellors or people from different programs i have attended to try and help me improve) will fill in the answers for you; they ask how you're doing and let you explain how and why you feel like you do. they then say "well, shall we put down 'this answer' then and you can say yes or no.

    people like that are a good source of support for when filling in question sheets relating to your mental state. its good knowing that some of the people i talk to about things will take the time to let you answer and then offer their opinion as what category to put. "you've said you feel ####### so shall we put # down as your answer as i think its the closest to how you're doing"

    thats a good thing. its nice knowing that people who's job it is to help you actually do want to help and arent doing it just for a pay cheque. 











Tuesday 25 June 2013

Friends, Family and Twatbags

    one of the things i have found during these past 3 years is that NOTHING helps you more than having a small group of people who care about you and try to support you.

    There will always be plenty of twatbags who couldn't give a shit about you or anyone else who is having a rough time. it may be because they don't understand or know what is going on with your mental state. it may be because they are a massive dickmunch who need to be fired out of a canon, through a fine wire mesh and into the sun, but usually its because they dont know or understand the things that are going on with you. it can turn out that they arent actually the douchebag you think they are.

   Fortunately, i have found that even just having one or two friends or family members to talk to about things is a HUGE benefit. i dont believe that anyone who has been or is affected by depression can beat it on their own. its just not possible. Support IS needed, and luckily for me i have had that support. if my mental state was a pair of boobs then my close friends are the emotional and psychological bra that hold up the double D's that are my mental health issues. (im totally stoked that i managed to get a boob reference into something about depression)



   i am not good at opening up to family members about my problems. after the period i had where i was self harming (i'll say my bit about that at a later date) my family were the last to find out about it. friends; close friends (who i wont name on this, but they know who they are) are who got me through that. the reason i stopped using a blade was because i promised my friend i wouldnt. i didnt want to let down the people i care about and the people who support me. 

    luckily for me, 2 of the people who i talked to about my mental health and how i was feeling about things i had known for a long time. both of which have dealt with their own problems in the past, so in some ways they had some understanding of what i was, and still am going through. 

    what is even more interesting is that i actually found a new friend just after i had "come out" about the self harm. they had (and still are) dealing with their own problems, which also included self harm. you wouldnt think something like that would be a good basis for a friendship, but it was. it was something that we could talk to each other about because we had both experienced it first hand.
   i do not think it is truly possible to understand depression and the reasons behind self harm unless you have experienced it first hand. 
    because we had a common experience we were both very comfortable with each other when it came to talking about it. that is a great help. being comfortable with someone and being able to trust them and open up about things is not something i am very good at. very few people have got past my 'barriers' that i put up. but when i have become comfortable with someone to allow them to get past my defences then it has been a benefit to me. 

   allowing someone to see the real you, and not just the crudely made emotional mannequin which looks about as much like the real you as a sack of potatos with a smiley face drawn on them is a big thing. its was HUGE for me and im a glad to have those people in my life. so to those people, i say thank you. i honestly would not be here without you. i owe you BIG time.


trust is a HUGE part of life. being able to trust someone when you are at your worst is a difficult thing to do, but is worth it. just having someone there to chat with is a massive benefit.




Monday 24 June 2013

The First One! Feelings.

Depression is shit. It seems strange that such a huge mental health issue can be summed up in those 3 words. The weird thing is that the stereotype for how someone suffers from depression is pretty far from accurate; or at least in my experience it is. There is a lot that the term “depression” encompasses.  I’m going to try and pick up on one of those aspects in this.... whatever the hell this is.


  FEELINGS


The oxford English dictionary’s definition of depression is “severe, typically prolonged, feelings of despondency and dejection.” It is also defined as “a mental condition characterized by severe feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy, typically accompanied by a lack of energy and interest in life”I think the main word within the definition of depression is “feelings”.  Feelings are one of the biggest parts of someone’s personality, and with depression those negative feelings are a total bitch. Feeling lost, hopeless, down, shitty, angry, upset, distraught, confused, alone and (to use a bit of a cliché here) ‘depressed’ tend to have a knock on effect, the kicker of which is that that effect will come back around and bite you in the arse. You get stuck in a vicious circle which gradually spirals downwards:
 I feel crappy
No motivation
Don’t do anything
no sense of achievement
I feel crappy (because ive done nothing)
 Like I said; it is a vicious circle that comes back and bites you in the arse. What a bastard.
 Now it’s at this point I will say that one of the hardest things to do is change your opinion of yourself. I’ve been dealing with depression for almost 3 years now. I know I’m not as badly affected by it as I was, but there is still a massive amount of work to be done to get me back to how I was before my brain exploded and decided to shit all over my mental state. I still don’t believe people when they compliment me or something I’ve done, made or said. That is because I haven’t managed to change my opinion of myself.  Once I can do that I know I will be taking a HUGE step towards full recovery.
                 It is so hard to pick out the positive aspects of your life, especially if you’re feeling shit. Those feelings tend to give you tunnel vision. There may be positive things in your life but you can’t see them. Others point it out, but you still can’t see it. Or you don’t believe it. The way I see this is that you have to start small, then expand out so you can see those bigger positives in your life.
 



                Have you ever seen the movie Zombieland? Remember rule #32? If not then here’s a refresher for you:
“enjoy the little things.”
 As ridiculous as it sounds, I’ve found that something as small as doing something on an xbox game can give you a sense of accomplishment. The latest one for me was getting an achievement on tomb raider. (Great game by the way, definitely worth a look if you’ve not played it already.) it is something that is completely insignificant to all other aspects of my life, but I feel proud of myself because I have done it.
In my experience little things like doing Xbox achievements, or finishing a book I’ve wanted to read, or making a bowl using the wood turning lathe In the garage have all been things that make me feel a little bit better about myself. I’ve accomplished something. It may seem pointless and irrelevant to others, but to me it’s something special and it gives me a positive feeling instead of a negative one, even if that positivity is only there temporarily. Up’s and downs are a big part of my life and have been a massive component during my experience with depression.
 So anyway, that’s it: my first one of these things. I’ll have to come up with some kind of witty name for whatever the hell these are. I may just be spewing random crap that no one understands so I apologise for that. If it makes sense to just one person then that’s awesome! Anyone who has read this is suffering from depression then don’t be afraid to have a go at enjoying the little things.
 Baby steps and all that jazz.
 Bye.