Sunday, 28 September 2014

"its my fault..."

this is one of those topics that i could write several books about! the feeling when you're convinced that your problems, be it mental state, employment status, physical health etc are having a negative affect on the people around you. 

ever since the start of my mental health problems (also known as the day when my brain said fuck this and decided it hated me) ive felt ive been a burden on others. i know ive mentioned this in other posts however i feel that it should have a stand alone entry as well. 
that feeling of "if i wasnt ill i could do this, this, this and that and everything would be ok" or "if i wasnt here then this and that would be better for him and her" is a constant, niggling pain in the arse. 

this state of mind seriously fucks you up. it puts a dampener on everything you do and can be a MASSIVE downer, especially if you've had a good day beforehand. for example, ive been preparing to attend another comic con; saving up money and organising how and when i'd get there and back and so on; i asked my parents about if they could put a few quid towards the cost of travel as an early christmas present, to which they replied that they'd pay for my tickets. 

just after the train tickets were ordered my mum jokingly says to my dad "so, are we skint now?" 

this may seem like such a small and insignificant thing, but all i could think about was "oh fuck, they've just bought me these train tickets. what if they needed that money for something else? what if they needed to pay a bill, or had to do food shopping, or buy some more electric? or fuel? or both? what if this or that happens? they'll need that money, and ive taken it from them."

while both parents have repeatedly said "its fine. we're ok with the money and can afford to buy these tickets for you for christmas" its still a niggling thought in the back of my head, and i hate it! 

its the similar with things like hearing my parents talking about having bills to pay. if i wasnt ill then i'd have a job, probably have my own place by now and they'd have to spend a lot less money for bills. i do pay them a contribution towards bills etc but that doesnt make me feel any better regarding the situation.

friends could be doing more important stuff with their lives instead of trying to sort me out when im having a rough day. if we went out somewhere (not that it happens very often) they could enjoy themselves more if they didnt have to keep an eye on me. 

the list goes on, and its a total shit. 

my family and friends may say that they are ok with doing these sort of things for me, but no matter how many times they say "shut up you mong, its fine" i still feel like im having a negative effect on others, and the worst part is that while i may not feel like it as much now, at my worst, all i could think of was "these people would be so much better off without me"

its so easy to go from feeling like a burden and having a negative effect on those you care about to wanting to end things to make it easier for others. and that is a slippery slope to say the least. 

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