Saturday, 20 September 2014

Im All Alone, Theres No One Here Beside Me...

im sure you seen those "omg its so deep" emotional picture posts on facebook, twitter, blogs etc etc? a picture of some trees, or a sunset, or a waterfall, or some leaves on the floor, usually with a shitty instagram filter on them with something like "the people who seem the happiest are usually the saddest inside" or "why dont people love me for me?" you get the idea. well, i cant stand those sort of posts. sometimes you get positive ones which try to make people feel better, but usually they are negative and lets be honest, whiny. 

they get on my tits and a lot of the time, either because of the way they're written or because of the pictures and fonts used seem to romanticize the topic they are speaking about. 

i saw one this morning that said "i never feel alone bcoz loneliness is always with me" and it got me thinking about how i deal with feeling like im alone.

now aside from the shit stirringly terrible way to spell "because" this one seemed to have a bit of an effect on me and got me thinking about my own dealings with the feeling of loneliness. 

there are plenty different ways to feel alone. ive experienced some of them and i cant say any have had a positive effect on my mental state or how i see myself. 

first off we have the physical sense of being lonely. its a simple premise; there's no one with you. you may be outside going to the shop on your own, sat at home with no one with you (be it because you live on your own or your family/housemates/partner etc have had to go out) whatever. that sense of no one physically being there is a bitch. something as simple as not having someone to talk to can really hit a person hard. fortunately in this day and age we can at least contact someone, be it by phone or online to have a chat. it may not be the same as having someone sat on the sofa with you eating take away and watching a michael bay film but i'll take it.  of course, this physical feeling of being lonely can spill over into the 'romantic' loneliness state... basically, you want to be physically intimate with someone.... in layman's terms; you want to get laid.

ive had problems with feeling lonely in a "romantic sense". yep, im still single. (hoo-fucking-ray....) and there are days where all i want is to have someone to be close too. that could range from anything from something as simple as holding a womans hand and talking all the way through to going heels to jesus. to be honest, a sense of physical closeness on any level would be nice. that feeling of there being no one out there for you in that way can cause a HUGE vaccuum in your life, especially when you're already feeling lonely because of other reasons (some of which are mentioned in this post) 

with the way ive been brought up (my parents are both christian) im not really one for the whole "go out, get laid" mindset. i dont believe that you should wait until you're married to take things to the bedroom... or living room... or park bench..., however, i do feel that sex is something that, while it's a basic and very natural urge, should be between 2 people who know and trust each other. i feel that there should at least be an emotional connection.

when you struggle with social interaction and talking to new people it becomes very difficult to get that kind of relationship going, which means (at least for me) its even harder to have that grow into a physical intimacy. it leaves you feeling very singled out and alone, especially when people all around you are hooking up with others, in long term relationships, getting married, having kids etc etc. i'll straight up say it; im very jealous of some of those people. those who arent alone because they have that connection with someone, both emotionally and physically.

the "outcast" sense of loneliness is a total shitburger. that sense of feeling like you dont fit in with other people, be that a social group, your family, work colleagues etc is such a bastard and (from my experience) causes a huge mental drain. that sense of being a third wheel when a group gets together is soul-crushing. im very lucky in that ive managed to find a group of friends that i feel like i am a part of. (even if we talk mainly online and only meet up a few times each year) the only advice i can give if you feel like the odd one out is to try and find different groups. see which one (ones) you like, that you feel comfortable with and see how things develop. 
ive mentioned this group of people in my last post and i am a lot happier now being part of a group i feel like i belong too as opposed to being with people i am friends with, however dont feel like a member of the group. 

the last "loneliness" that i want to talk about is probably the main one that just about every single person with mental health issues involving depression and anxiety knows about: that feeling that no one can help you. that you're alone in this. 

NOTHING feels worse than this, so im going to keep this bit simple; if you are reading this and you do have issues with depression etc please, PLEASE remember that you are NOT alone.
there is plenty of help available in the form of doctors and counselors and countless other professions that i wont delve in to. and dont forget family and especially friends. 

i have no doubt that i'd be dead right now if it werent for a few friends who have helped me and kept me going over the past few years. 

so, in closing, feeling lonely is a total pile of wank. it is a soul crushing, heartbreaking abyss which is hard to get out of, but never give up trying to free yourself from it. the return for all your effort you put into escaping that pit of loneliness is endless.

you may think you're a third wheel, but in fact you are a majestic god-damn unicycle. find other unicycles and enjoy yourself. 

you are not alone. 

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