Thursday, 11 September 2014

Im Back. (Arseholes, Elbows, Goodbyes, Hellos)

well, its been a while.

its been almost a year since my last post on here. there have been plenty of ups and downs in that time, which i will come to discuss later in this post. the first thing i want to talk about it one of the reasons i stopped writing on this blog. 

just after i had published the last post i wrote on here, i received a comment which, for lack of a better term, destroyed my will to continue writing about my experiences with depression, anxiety and self harm. the person who wrote the comment basically threw abuse at me, the problems i have and how i deal with them, and after reading that comment, i lost the will, motivation and desire to continue posting, as the comment made pretty much knocked me right on my arse. 
however, i have grown as a person and i feel that i can now safely say this to the person who made that post and any others who wish to say similar things:

Fuck. You.

this blog is a way for me to get my emotions, views and experiences out of my system. i could just write this in a word document and save it on my computer, or hand write it in a notebook, however i wanted to post it in a public setting for 2 reasons:

1. it got it off my chest and out in the open, which removes a huge weight from my shoulders.

2. i thought that maybe being able to share my views might help someone who is going through similar problems that i have been going through.

if you have a problem with what i write then bugger off. you dont have to read my blog, so shut your face and go fuck a cactus.

*and breathe*

right, on with the show.

i'll start with the negatives first.

unfortunately, im still struggling with my mental health, as well as now having problems physically with my back. i still have days where i have zero motivation to get out of bed. no wish to do anything, see anyone, speak to anyone or generally live a life. anyone who has dealt with depression will know these kind of days. they suck, but we have to push through them as best we can.

im still on medication, which i cant stand, since i can never tell if the good day/days ive had are down to me genuinely feeling better about myself or if it is the pills causing that. the worry is still there that if i were to stop taking my meds i'd just fall back to where i was before. 

ive written previously about how important pets have been to me during the past few years as well. sadly, ive lost a few during the past few months.

nugget, the smiley gecko with MBD that i adopted and nursed back to health as best i could died. we dont know how old she was so it could have been old age, but i dont know.

i also lost one of my snakes; Ripley. i got up one morning, went to change the water bowl and he was curled up in the corner of the vivarium, dead. 

the most upsetting for me was losing Meg, my dog. one of my best friends.

the fact that im in tears writing this, even after a few months of not having her around i guess just cements how much she meant to me. she got cancer and had a 2kg tumour removed from her abdomen. we learnt from the vet that there was more than one tumour inside her, and that there was no way of her getting better.

we decided that instead of her going through treatment, which would cause her illness, pain and only prolong the inevitable, we decided that we would rather have her at home for the few months she had left as her happy, normal self, despite the cancer festering inside her. thats what we did, and she was happy and "normal" for a while

we had around 5 months more with my dog until she became ill again, and the decision was made to have her finally put to sleep. on a sunday morning she died in my arms, sitting on the floor at the vets. my dog, who never once questioned why i was feeling sad, was always happy to see me and would ALWAYS cuddle up next to me on my bed or on the sofa, was gone. 

it may not seem like a big deal to some, but losing a pet can hit people REALLY hard. losing meg devastated me. to be honest, i dont remember much about that day after she went. i remember the vet nodding, saying she was gone, not wanting to let go of her.

i dont remember the trip home, but i do remember putting my fist through my bedroom door and screaming into my pillow. 

goodnight, you dopey bastard. i love you, and i miss you so fucking much.

(i feel i should mention that we have recently got a new puppy. she may not be my meg, but shes still nice. shes not a direct replacement. nothing can replace my dog, but its just wrong living in a house with no dog. there has always been a dog here. ever since i was born we've had at least one canine family member. like i said, Yophi (my mum chose the name) isnt a replacement for meg. she is the next chapter after meg.)

i need to stop thinking about my dog, so lets go on to the good things that have happened.

it was suggested by an advisor at the job centre that i have a look into voluntary work. i ended up going to my local british heart foundation furniture store and enquired about doing some voluntary work to give myself some experience with new people and places, and to give myself a bit more of a routine.

now i volunteer at the british heart foundation. its only one morning a week at the moment, but its doing me some good. i enjoy doing it there, even if it isnt the best thing for my dodgy back!

im more active. ive started target shooting using an air rifle, which i really enjoy. its something i can do on my own or with my dad or other people, which is lovely. it gives me an immense amount of satisfaction hitting a good grouping from 20 metres on a paper target.

shooting stuff is also a GREAT way to let off some steam if im having a rough day and im getting frustrated with things.

ive travelled more and done a couple more conventions. im getting better at going to new places, meeting new people and travelling on my own. ive been to wales comic con and met one of my heroes; Charlie Adlard, the artist for The Walking Dead comics. 

i also went to London Film and Comic Con and met some amazing people (including Summer Glau from Firefly, Lena Headey from Game of Thrones and the godfather of zombie films; George A Romero.

the best thing that hs happened so far is becoming part of a group of friends. for the past few years ive never really felt like if fitted into any groups that well.
sure, i was friends with people (who im still friends with now) but i always felt a bit out on the fringes of things when it came to the group mentality. it always felt like i was a bit out of place. i didnt feel "unwanted" but it didnt feel like i was fitting in. i hope that makes sense. its a difficult feeling to describe.

the group of people i found (which i first joined in with just before the events of "joshs big adventure") are a bunch of guys and girls who are nerds like myself and who attend conventions etc. we mainly talk online (yay facebook) but meet up at events like LFCC and Wales Comic Con. some of the people in this group have become some of my closest friends and i genuinely feel like a part of something, which is a great feeling.

these people have seen me go from a timid guy who was shy, reclusive and quiet into someone who is a lot more outgoing, especially when it comes to chatting with people in that group. they even managed to get me to dress up as a character from firefly for LFCC! thats something i would never have done before. 

never ever forget how important friends can be. people in that group, as well as friends such as Tom and Chelsea are brilliant. and have kept me going, especially when ive been low and shitty.

i may not be fixed yet, but i know ive come a long way this past year, and im starting to think that could be something to be proud of. 

oh, and one last thing to that commenter who was a dick; yes, im 25. yes, i like comics. deal with it, bitch! 


  1. Hmmm the comic industry is a big earner tells us something doesn't it. Geek and proud.
    I have watched your journey and seen you change into a happy confident guy.
    I understand the loss of meg and no its never easy saying goodbye. Sam our dog survived an attack by a dog only years later to have kidney problems, the vet offered us a new drug which gave us another 7 precious months with him. He went rapidly down hill until we knew the time had come to let him go. That was 8 years ago. I still think of him but I know it was the best thing I could do for him.
    Like you we had always had dogs, so along came harry, he isnt sam and never will be. He helped us heal and 3 years after we rescued leah. We dont forget we just learned to heal as will you josh.
    I like our secret group we support each other, through the highs and lows. Its always something to look forward knowing
    That they will be at the con and we can chat and he crazy together

  2. The person who wrote nasty comments is just a loser. They are obviously either a heartless twat or struggling to come to terms with their own shit, and need to take a good hard look in the mirror before commenting on other peoples lives =P I cried reading this ;-; Meg is at peace now, and she'll always be with you in spirit. When I lost my dog I cried more than I have ever cried before or since, for anyone or anything. I still cry about Jason, even after all these years there are just moments when I know he would have been there for me but he can't be, so I really relate. It gets easier, focus on the happy memories of Meg and hopefully you'll get to a point where the tears don't come, you'll just smile about them. And Yophi is such a little cutie!

    Sorry i've not been in touch this week, hope you're ok in general, and i'm so looking forward to seeing you at comic con, I want a hug mister! =) Manly hugs obviously, with back patting and manly displays of manliness~ x